Tuesday, 25 April 2017

Time to let go.

Today was a write off, but then I was coming down from a roller coaster of a weekend. Not all motivation faded away, I had two calls from dealers which under normal circumstances would have been most welcome. feeling the way I do today I'm surprised I've got this, far & documenting the fact surprises me yet further.

Monday, 24 April 2017

You cannot be happy, Happiness is being.

It came straight out of the blue about three weeks ago, my brother phoned me to ask if I knew The King Blues were playing at a venue near to where he lives. I'd been introduced to this band a few years back by a friend of my Dads. I really got into their stuff but the only problem was they'd split & that was that, the chances of getting to see them live was zero to nothing. There was no way I was going to let this opportunity slip I hadn't had a good night out for ages. The tickets were bought, all I needed to do was get myself to Jake's flat on the night and take it from there.

 Life's been like traversing a precipice for a very long time,. Any sort of control I maintain over my habit is dicey at the best of times. It's relentless crumbling has resulted in chaotic and erratic behaviour or more plainly speaking general sloppiness. too many mistakes were made, jobs were lost, decisions not properly thought out, again what can only be descibed as general sloppiness, I don't ever want a repeat of this last winter,, I've had bad wintes before and come through the other side, but this one should never have happened, the junky inside me had escaped too many times and I'd spiralled out of control enough times to get noticed by the wrong people.

Work has picked up of late, I had a few quid in my pocket, I was going to see a band I who're shit hot, I was looking forward to this gig, I might even go as far as to say excited but it's been so long since I've been excited about anything other than a cocktail of drugs . Me and Jake have a lot of similarities, Jake's been a junky almost as long as I have, we haven't seen that much of each other over the last few years , he didn't know this band, he just knew that I was into them because I've got one of their CD covers pinned to my fridge.

I'm still in recovery mode on Monday night, the gig was on Saturday, it's been a long weekend even if some parts did seemed to pass far too quickly, of course I spent much more money than I should have, along with consuming plenty of drugs which at my age I should really know better. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE something happened, something insanely beautiful, something sneaked up behind me, grabbed me and once I' realised what it was I never wanted it to go.

The band were superb everything I was expecting and more, there was a good crowd, everybody seemed friendly, the bar was normal prices, it was great to be out with my brother and not have life's daily heap of shit hanging over our heads, we were both laughing & smiling, I don't think we've been this close for years, I've missed my brother but when you're both junkies things can easily get a bit emotionally wrought. The band were tight, it was impossible not to dance and I love to dance, I don't know how long it's been since I've had a good dance. It wasn't long before I lost myself to the music and let the beat take over.

This was very definitely tuning into one of the best nights I'd had in a long time, I was having fun, and that's when it dawned on me, I was happy ! there may have been plenty of Adrenalin and endorphins flowing though my veins but this was the real thing, It came from within, and the more I felt it the stronger it became. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be happy, I was feeling alive for the fist time in a long time so I kept dancing smiling and as usual with these kind of events before you know it it's all over.

The night didn't end there, in fact I never got to bed until early Monday morning, the walk back to town centre where my brother lives wasn't exactly uneventful. It also involved feelings that I have had buried for longer than I care to remember but that's another story.

Sunday, 31 July 2016

The grass is always greener.

To say the last few weeks have been messy would be a bit of an understatement.. Once again I jumped head first into the circle of destruction. I was going through a relatively good patch, moving in a good direction, The gear was of extremely poor quality and taking it was fast becoming a waste of time, then when I'd decided enough was enough there was a total turn around, the gear became gear again,  What perfect timing for that last binge.
Last year I walked away from my job on the harbour leaving it in the hands of someone I'd trained up and was easily capable of it. Just before the summer holidays I get a call, they were practically begging me to come back with much better terms thrown into the bargain. Now I didn't really need the work but I loved that job and I was sorely missing it. I handed in my notice promising to finish the job I was on and was looking forward to putting down the brushes for the Summer.
 About this I was walking home from my parents house and in the middle of the road was a pair of trainers, at first I walked past but then I thought I can't leave them there littering up the street, I'll put them on the bin at the bottom of the road, in the end they ended up on my balcony waiting for someone who could fit into them because they weren't in that bad a condition. Two days later a mate phones me and tells me I'd better have a look at Face book 'Gossip around '.....combe.' I could not believe my eyes there's only two pictures of me walking down the street with a pair of red trainers under my am with a caption saying "Does anyone recognise this man stealing my boyfriends trainers"  Of course I was recognised and named But once I'd explained and received an apology leading the post to be promptly taken down the damage had been done,
 So I started down at the harbour a bit half heartily because of the way they'd sacked the guy I'd left there. Being in the middle of a goodbye binge didn't help,   nipping into the pub for a swifty was probably my not one of my better ideas, a large dose of " What the hell am I doing here", and bad weather , which meant I wasn't earning any money was bad enough. Three days into the job I got some pay owed to me from the painting work £240.00 put it in my pocket and five minutes later it was gone, never to be seen again, somebody stole my shorts as well that day, this job was costing me money. Anyway  things started to pick up, the weather improved and the book was filling up with bookings but the biggest thing was people were catching fish, the mackerel were running. I decided to put my heart and soul into the job, I'd been on the waggon for two days,We'd had a great day   made loads of money filled the book for the next couple of days and at the end of a bumper day I got the sack The ball had been put in motion a few days earlier. It was all down to one man who is twisted but I'm not going to dwell on it. I left with my head held high, If we don't make mistakes we don't learn. And I'm sure 'everything happens for a reason'.
 Luckily I got straight back into work, starting tomorrow. The last few days I've been working on my flat and fondly saying goodbye to heroin one last time.
 Gotta keep trying and keep smiling.  xx

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Got to Dash

This is just a quickie before I set off to work.
I'm back working down the harbour even though I said I wouldn't. I suppose I just love the job.
I've thrown out all my injecting kit, but I am smoking gear.
I'm off the booze again.
My love goes out to anyone who reads and also those that don't.

Sunday, 5 June 2016

This is a letter I received a few weeks back.  

Confidential-Addressee only.

Dear Karl,
Thanks for attending  -----combe Centre on 21/04/2015

You reported that in the future you would like to stop all illicit drug use.

You have managed to not use heroin for over a month although you did smoke cannabis this morning, well done on doing this as the benefits for your health are psychcological, physical, and social.

At present your most risky/harmful behaviour is smoking both tobacco and cannabis which is putting you at risk of COPD.

Today you reported using no illicit heroin, a joint of cannabis this morning and alcohol. You blew 16.6 on the breathalyser which is rather high and means that you are putting yourself in an overdose situation. I believe your recovery worker will be breathalizing you each time she sees you. You presented today looking well. You had a normal mood, you were not psychotic. You were not intoxicated/withdrawing. You did not have any suicidal/+self harm thoughts.

As we agreed cutting down your alcohol consumption would benefit you physically. I believe you can do well in your treatment.

The plan for you and your GP:

1. You will reduce your alcohol consumption.

2. I am prescribing no changes in your medication. Your GP is not prescribing any medication.

3.I have asked your GP not to stat any new presciptions of benzodiazepines, opiod analgesics, hypno-sedatives or sedative psychotropic medication such as anti depressants, anti-psychotics, anxiolytics, anti-convulsants,etc. without discussion with RISE.If they are already prescribing any that I have not mentioned in this letter please let me know. Thanks.

4.You are going to attend all 1:1 appointments with Silvia Rice

5. A Rise prescriber will see you again in 3 months or before as needed.

Friday, 4 March 2016

One for the road ahead

It's Friday again already, Fridays have traditionally been a day where not using didn't get a second thought or more to the point didn't even get a first thought. Friday is pay day, the day that ends the week, the day you can put your feet up and not have to worry about tomorrow, it's the night you can let your hair down and go out to dance away the weeks aches and pains.

Monday was the last time I scored, I wanted it to be my last hit because work has dried up for a little while and money's going to be tight . The thing about a last hit though is you want one you can remember, or in this case, one you can't . But isn't that the way with anything you do for the last time, " Make the last one a good one", "Save the best till last", a fond farewell as it were. I have a long history of last hits and this was one of the worst, it was that bad I  wanted to forget it but I couldn't,It had made me so furious I started stomping around the flat cursing myself and the whole damn world. I cursed because I didn't have any decent veins, I cursed because I didn't pick up any fresh spikes because I thought I could make do with the old ones which turned out to be about as sharp as old knitting needles. I cursed because if I had picked up a bag of clean works there would be some left over ready and waiting, winking at me, whispering sweetly  " How about   'a last hit'  you're never gonna count that one are you ? " I cursed the fact that I felt pretty much the same after the hit as I had before the hit and there was also just enough left in the syringe to make it impossible to throw away, especially once I'd added whatever could be salvaged from the spoon. I cursed a final time as I placed the remnants of the hit in the cupboard ready for round two in the morning before I left for work and I cursed once more as I accepted my fate. 

Tuesday's last hit went marginally better than Mondays and affected me marginally less. So here I am on Friday thinking to myself since I haven't used for a few days maybe, just maybe I could do one last hit to say goodbye, adios amigo,  last farewell, one for the road as it were, because my time on this trip is almost up !  

Friday night has passed into Saturday morning and I'm wondering if I can make it through the weekend without puncturing myself ?

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Once again I've survived another year, and somehow despite the drugs and the booze I'm in a far better place than I was this time last year in fact I'm probably better off at the moment than I have been in years. A couple of months ago I stopped drinking for what I thought was going to be a couple of days , maybe a week just so I could find out how far down the road of alcoholism I'd travelled. Drink was never really an issue for me I've always been able to take it or leave it, but over the last five or six years I got into the habit of having a drink in the morning before work. It started off as finishing a left over glass of wine or beer, the last inch or two of the vodka bottle came next and before I knew it I was making sure I had alcohol for the morning and when I didn't I'd run down to the shop where if I was discreet and waited until I was the only one there they'd serve me before hours. I was convinced that I needed that drink, one can of high strength lager became two cans, sometimes it was a quarter bottle of vodka or a bottle of wine, Quite often I didn't have another drink until the next morning, I never felt the need to drink in the evening like I did in the morning but then I had heroin to take in the evenings or methadone depending on how flush I was . I'm not sure how long it takes to become physically dependant on alcohol or whether the opiates negate the withdrawal, I'm sure they do to an extent, but when I stopped I hardly noticed. I never in a million years thought I'd make it through the weekend let alone a whole month. What became clear to me was my behaviour as an addict crossed over into my drinking as it does in many areas of my life, work, reading, watching TV, there's very few aspects of my life that are not effected by addictive behaviour. I've had a couple of drinks over Christmas and I'm sure at some point in the future I'll get drunk, Becoming tea total was never an option.I'd become a prisoner of my very own false beliefs.
 I feel infinitely better both physically and mentally for not drinking, but the money I save means that maintaining my heroin habit is well within my means as long as I don't go too overboard. For this I am a lot happier within myself which is no bad thing. After twenty years of active addiction I think it's a miracle I've got to where I am today, but I'mstill left wondering if this is it for me ?