Sunday, 31 July 2016

The grass is always greener.

To say the last few weeks have been messy would be a bit of an understatement.. Once again I jumped head first into the circle of destruction. I was going through a relatively good patch, moving in a good direction, The gear was of extremely poor quality and taking it was fast becoming a waste of time, then when I'd decided enough was enough there was a total turn around, the gear became gear again,  What perfect timing for that last binge.
Last year I walked away from my job on the harbour leaving it in the hands of someone I'd trained up and was easily capable of it. Just before the summer holidays I get a call, they were practically begging me to come back with much better terms thrown into the bargain. Now I didn't really need the work but I loved that job and I was sorely missing it. I handed in my notice promising to finish the job I was on and was looking forward to putting down the brushes for the Summer.
 About this I was walking home from my parents house and in the middle of the road was a pair of trainers, at first I walked past but then I thought I can't leave them there littering up the street, I'll put them on the bin at the bottom of the road, in the end they ended up on my balcony waiting for someone who could fit into them because they weren't in that bad a condition. Two days later a mate phones me and tells me I'd better have a look at Face book 'Gossip around '.....combe.' I could not believe my eyes there's only two pictures of me walking down the street with a pair of red trainers under my am with a caption saying "Does anyone recognise this man stealing my boyfriends trainers"  Of course I was recognised and named But once I'd explained and received an apology leading the post to be promptly taken down the damage had been done,
 So I started down at the harbour a bit half heartily because of the way they'd sacked the guy I'd left there. Being in the middle of a goodbye binge didn't help,   nipping into the pub for a swifty was probably my not one of my better ideas, a large dose of " What the hell am I doing here", and bad weather , which meant I wasn't earning any money was bad enough. Three days into the job I got some pay owed to me from the painting work £240.00 put it in my pocket and five minutes later it was gone, never to be seen again, somebody stole my shorts as well that day, this job was costing me money. Anyway  things started to pick up, the weather improved and the book was filling up with bookings but the biggest thing was people were catching fish, the mackerel were running. I decided to put my heart and soul into the job, I'd been on the waggon for two days,We'd had a great day   made loads of money filled the book for the next couple of days and at the end of a bumper day I got the sack The ball had been put in motion a few days earlier. It was all down to one man who is twisted but I'm not going to dwell on it. I left with my head held high, If we don't make mistakes we don't learn. And I'm sure 'everything happens for a reason'.
 Luckily I got straight back into work, starting tomorrow. The last few days I've been working on my flat and fondly saying goodbye to heroin one last time.
 Gotta keep trying and keep smiling.  xx

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Got to Dash

This is just a quickie before I set off to work.
I'm back working down the harbour even though I said I wouldn't. I suppose I just love the job.
I've thrown out all my injecting kit, but I am smoking gear.
I'm off the booze again.
My love goes out to anyone who reads and also those that don't.

Sunday, 5 June 2016

This is a letter I received a few weeks back.  

Confidential-Addressee only.

Dear Karl,
Thanks for attending  -----combe Centre on 21/04/2015

You reported that in the future you would like to stop all illicit drug use.

You have managed to not use heroin for over a month although you did smoke cannabis this morning, well done on doing this as the benefits for your health are psychcological, physical, and social.

At present your most risky/harmful behaviour is smoking both tobacco and cannabis which is putting you at risk of COPD.

Today you reported using no illicit heroin, a joint of cannabis this morning and alcohol. You blew 16.6 on the breathalyser which is rather high and means that you are putting yourself in an overdose situation. I believe your recovery worker will be breathalizing you each time she sees you. You presented today looking well. You had a normal mood, you were not psychotic. You were not intoxicated/withdrawing. You did not have any suicidal/+self harm thoughts.

As we agreed cutting down your alcohol consumption would benefit you physically. I believe you can do well in your treatment.

The plan for you and your GP:

1. You will reduce your alcohol consumption.

2. I am prescribing no changes in your medication. Your GP is not prescribing any medication.

3.I have asked your GP not to stat any new presciptions of benzodiazepines, opiod analgesics, hypno-sedatives or sedative psychotropic medication such as anti depressants, anti-psychotics, anxiolytics, anti-convulsants,etc. without discussion with RISE.If they are already prescribing any that I have not mentioned in this letter please let me know. Thanks.

4.You are going to attend all 1:1 appointments with Silvia Rice

5. A Rise prescriber will see you again in 3 months or before as needed.

Friday, 4 March 2016

One for the road ahead

It's Friday again already, Fridays have traditionally been a day where not using didn't get a second thought or more to the point didn't even get a first thought. Friday is pay day, the day that ends the week, the day you can put your feet up and not have to worry about tomorrow, it's the night you can let your hair down and go out to dance away the weeks aches and pains.

Monday was the last time I scored, I wanted it to be my last hit because work has dried up for a little while and money's going to be tight . The thing about a last hit though is you want one you can remember, or in this case, one you can't . But isn't that the way with anything you do for the last time, " Make the last one a good one", "Save the best till last", a fond farewell as it were. I have a long history of last hits and this was one of the worst, it was that bad I  wanted to forget it but I couldn't,It had made me so furious I started stomping around the flat cursing myself and the whole damn world. I cursed because I didn't have any decent veins, I cursed because I didn't pick up any fresh spikes because I thought I could make do with the old ones which turned out to be about as sharp as old knitting needles. I cursed because if I had picked up a bag of clean works there would be some left over ready and waiting, winking at me, whispering sweetly  " How about   'a last hit'  you're never gonna count that one are you ? " I cursed the fact that I felt pretty much the same after the hit as I had before the hit and there was also just enough left in the syringe to make it impossible to throw away, especially once I'd added whatever could be salvaged from the spoon. I cursed a final time as I placed the remnants of the hit in the cupboard ready for round two in the morning before I left for work and I cursed once more as I accepted my fate. 

Tuesday's last hit went marginally better than Mondays and affected me marginally less. So here I am on Friday thinking to myself since I haven't used for a few days maybe, just maybe I could do one last hit to say goodbye, adios amigo,  last farewell, one for the road as it were, because my time on this trip is almost up !  

Friday night has passed into Saturday morning and I'm wondering if I can make it through the weekend without puncturing myself ?

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Once again I've survived another year, and somehow despite the drugs and the booze I'm in a far better place than I was this time last year in fact I'm probably better off at the moment than I have been in years. A couple of months ago I stopped drinking for what I thought was going to be a couple of days , maybe a week just so I could find out how far down the road of alcoholism I'd travelled. Drink was never really an issue for me I've always been able to take it or leave it, but over the last five or six years I got into the habit of having a drink in the morning before work. It started off as finishing a left over glass of wine or beer, the last inch or two of the vodka bottle came next and before I knew it I was making sure I had alcohol for the morning and when I didn't I'd run down to the shop where if I was discreet and waited until I was the only one there they'd serve me before hours. I was convinced that I needed that drink, one can of high strength lager became two cans, sometimes it was a quarter bottle of vodka or a bottle of wine, Quite often I didn't have another drink until the next morning, I never felt the need to drink in the evening like I did in the morning but then I had heroin to take in the evenings or methadone depending on how flush I was . I'm not sure how long it takes to become physically dependant on alcohol or whether the opiates negate the withdrawal, I'm sure they do to an extent, but when I stopped I hardly noticed. I never in a million years thought I'd make it through the weekend let alone a whole month. What became clear to me was my behaviour as an addict crossed over into my drinking as it does in many areas of my life, work, reading, watching TV, there's very few aspects of my life that are not effected by addictive behaviour. I've had a couple of drinks over Christmas and I'm sure at some point in the future I'll get drunk, Becoming tea total was never an option.I'd become a prisoner of my very own false beliefs.
 I feel infinitely better both physically and mentally for not drinking, but the money I save means that maintaining my heroin habit is well within my means as long as I don't go too overboard. For this I am a lot happier within myself which is no bad thing. After twenty years of active addiction I think it's a miracle I've got to where I am today, but I'mstill left wondering if this is it for me ?

Monday, 12 October 2015

The Same Old Shit

Summer has flown by again, all the usual promises to myself broken as usual, but life goes on, still making the rent, keeping my head down and functioning as a fully fledged productive member of society. I'm not really sure how I've managed it, there's been a lot of ups & downs fuelled continuously with drugs and drink but somehow I've landed on my feet with another chance to bounce back and give life without heroin another go. If I don't want to be still picking up my methadone script when I'm fifty now is the time to start doing something about it because 50 is 3yrs away on new years eve. Twenty years of addiction isn't something you can just walk away from especially when I feel like the most meaningful thing I do each day is the escape I find coming through the eye of a needle.
Today is heroin free and tomorrow is another day. X

Thursday, 19 March 2015

Summer is just around the corner

Well I'm not going to be disappointed to see this Winter over and done with. Since Christmas I've had about a weeks work,beans on toast and tins of soup have been my main diet for what seems like months and months. As usual a long period of no work has been followed by more work than I've got time for.At the beginning of March I took on a four week job that we have to do in three, hopefully it will be finished next week and that long awaited payday will finally be here. To be fair being skint has meant there has been no money for drugs and what little money I have had I haven't been able to justify spending on drugs, not that spending money on drugs is really justifiable in the first place. I'm still stable on 40mls of methadone and have been for some time now so it really is time to think about making a reduction some time soon, problem is the thought of reducing scares me somewhat ! I've got down to practically nothing so many times, a few times down to nothing at all, but regular as clockwork that's when things tend to go pear shaped and I have to go cap in hand to the clinic, admit defeat and start over. Truth is I mess up regularly but I have the meth as a safety net which stops my life turning into chaos from having to score everyday. It would be so easy to stay on the methadone indefinitely, it makes my life so much more manageable but that's not an option because I'm getting too old for this game. I turned 46 last birthday, I know I say it every year but something has got to give before long, I need to give up while it's still an option and I can still do it on my own terms.

At the end of the month I'll be back down the harbour doing the job I enjoy for the Easter break, I'm looking forward to it. What is this Summer going to bring I wonder ?

RIP Daevid Allen