Monday, 31 December 2012

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Changing

Back on track
Haven't used heroin for nearly 3weeks
Stopped drinking high strength lager or vodka for breakfast (for at least a month)
No benzoes
Taking my methadone prescription as directed
Had a haircut (after at least 5yrs)
In a far better place than I was a year ago

But there's so much more I need to accomplish. This is just the beginning.
I believe there is a life after heroin and it is almost within my grasp. My faith isn't quite there yet but its so much stronger than its ever been. Change is occurring, change is gradual, change is so fucking difficult. It's going to take more than a few months to change the habits of half a lifetime, more than sweat and tears. Deprogramming years of self destruction and loathing doesn't happen overnight.

It's a good day to live
Change is essential, change is eternal.
          

Monday, 5 November 2012

Change Part 1

I've got a job interview this afternoon. I'm not sure if I even want the job but that's not the point. What I want is change but change doesn't occur by its own volition, it has to be made, it has to be brought into being by whoever it is that wants it.
I want/need change: Therefore I need to do something about it.  I accept that my first attempts are trial and error but what have I got to lose ? I know that ultimately I have everything to lose if I don't change so so be it. Today I take the 1st. step in believing in myself and  my ability to change the course of my life.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

LOVE & RESPECT

It's Wednesday evening but the weekend is still racing through my head, I spent time alone with my Grand Daughter Rowan for the first time & it was absolutely amazing ! She is one of the cheeriest souls I have ever met, I am so proud of my daughter, they are both amazing ! My Daughter was pregnant a few months after her 15th birthday and by the time she let us know there was no going back. A few family members were convinced she had ruined her life and wasted her youth, people muttered that it wasn't quite too late to get a termination, but if they had known her properly they would have known there was absolutely no way she was going to go down that route and I have not the slightest doubt that Rowan is a blessing. Not once over the weekend did I hear her cry or scream, no tantrums, no tears, no stress what so ever, she was a complete pleasure to be with, the world can only be a better place with her in it.
Eswen (my daughter) is a single parent, she has a very strong support network, but what she has achieved fills me with the deepest respect. She transformed practically overnight from a party going teenage girl into a fully fledged mother filled to the brim with maternal love.

I feel priveliged to have these people in my life and even more priveliged to know that they want me in their lives. I know I've got shed loads of shite to sort through  but seeing Baby Rowans smile beaming at me was like seeing my first sun rise or set, so pure and precious, so magical, so beautiful.

KEEP THE FAITH XXXX






Thursday, 18 October 2012

Good Morning

I'm working on a roof today, it's7:30 Thursday morning & I'm on my 2nd coffee. Work has started to drift back in. By now I'd be impatiently waiting that last half hour before the garage would sell me my high strengh liquid breakfast, though if I had resisted the extra one I'd bought the night before, I'd already be supping my 1st. by now.  I knew I'd let it get out of control it's been going on for ages, I'm not quite sure how I've gotten away with it, but then again I haven't have I, I am my own victim and it certainly hasn't gone completely unnoticed. I suppose I was replacing the gear but even when I was using there was only a small decrease. I've managed to restrict it till after work,and usually only a couple of pints.
I managed to avoid gear last night but only just. I'm getting back on track with that, it's been a real struggle recently, I really need to get back to where I was with it, I was so much happier.
My alarm has just told me it's 8o'clock work is calling.

Monday, 15 October 2012

IT IS WHAT IT IS !

Shit ! that must be the 8th cup of coffee I've had today if I don't get over that pub soon my heads gonna explode, I've been staring at a pile of paper the size of a mountain all day I can't even see the coffee table,( 3yrs of 'accounts' & god knows what else )  I've made a start that's all that matters, things are going to change. I've given up high strength lager for breakfast, and didn't have a drink yesterday either, come to think about it I haven't gone this long without a drink for a long time, but I am definitely in need a couple of pints before I tackle that lot. It's getting close to that time of year where I have to declare my earnings for last year, I haven't got a clue what I've earned this year let alone last year so I thought I'd make an early start this year.
 I've been struggling with the gear, it's been a daily battle since my trip to Bristol & I've lost it a couple of times over the last week. Anyway ! I've done the washing up, Ive hoovered, I've had a nap, I've even considered re-starting the decorating.
 BUT NO !
Ive started the paperwork now, that over sized carrier bag from the back of the cupboard has been unceremoniously emptied in the middle of my living room. Things are about to change, straight after I've had a couple of pints
I met a friend in town yesterday & he gave me a piece of advice that I've taken to heart,
"Never be afraid of a letter coming though the door" ( although I think opening them might be a good idea )
Life is, unfortunately what it is !

And no more day time drinking !! (well maybe on the weekend)

Thursday, 11 October 2012

It's about Time I started to take my own Advice !

Well here I am again back at Day one well day two actually, but to hell with that, the number of days I am clean mean nothing. I've been stumbling through life for years now, sometimes happy sometimes not, heroin never made any difference I just couldn't tell the difference when I was on it. The last few months have been a very intense mixture of opposite emotions. I've been "walking the line" I'd been heroin free for nearly 4months sometimes blissfully & sometimes miserably. But my life was starting to change, I had money in my pocket, everyone was telling me well how well I looked & I actually felt a sense of freedom, and that's something I haven't felt for years (unless it was a night of trance fuelled by copious amounts of MDMA) I felt a litlle less trapped.

In creating this sense of new found freedom I have inadvertently perched myself upon a double edged sword, a dilemma, my head is spinning with what ifs.

DO I SETTLE DOWN & CONTINUE BUILDING A LIFE FOR MYSELF IN THIS TOWN I'VE COME TO LOVE ?  OR  DO I DO WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DONE, RUN AWAY ?

( I've just bought bought a bread maker for fucks sake my subconscience must be telling me something)

I've had enough of running, I want a life of not looking over my shoulder, but getting clean has brought back many demons. I've been trying to write this shit down for weeks now, I've got dozens of drafts & I've been talking to myself (often aloud) for weeks. Well I've started now & am starting to feel a bit better, I'm not even bothered about last weekends hell anymore.

THE DECISION HAS TO BE MADE !  I NEED TO GROW UP . I NEED A FUTURE !

PURPOSE ! I NEED TO BE !

I've taken another quick trip around that same old circle in my life, it's time to try another one,  I think whatever path I choose is going to bring me pain but that's inevitable because without pain there's no joy.

HEROIN ISN'T THE PROBLEM I AM !

Work is calling so I guess it's time to go & live a little ?

Monday, 8 October 2012

A few questions

Does everything in life happen for a reason ?
Does our journey in life reflect the lessons we need to learn ?
Why are the things in life we least want to do always the things we need to do most of all ?
If God is omnipotent how can there be such a thing as free will ?
Is being an addict part of Gods plan ?
Does God have a plan or is life one long party ?
Why is there so much evil and inequality in the world (especially if we're made in Gods image) ?
How come the western world live in decadence whilst half the world die of starvation and disease ?
Why do a handful of people control the worlds wealth and resources ?
Does anyone really care or are they only out for themselves and their immediate family (blood or chosen) with a little do-gooding on the side to ease their conscience ?
Are addicts addicts to escape the bullshit or are they just plain selfish ?

Answers on a postcard please !


I wrote this post back in July, I don't know why I didn't post it then ? I guess I just wanted to be a little positive.

Shit Happens

If I could erase the last 2 weeks of my life then I would do it in a heartbeat. Sooner or later it had to happen, average(ish) gear, which is about 20 times better than the shit that's been passed off as gear for the last 2years has arrived on these shores. It hasn't arrived in Devon, well not where I live any way, I discovered it in Bristol where I've been for the last 3days.

Last week somebody stole my weeks worth of  methadone, I couldn't report it & get it replaced because the clinic would most likely say I couldn't be trusted & put me on daily supervised consumption which would mean daily trips to the chemist being ushered into the private room where everyone knows what goes on & I live in a fairly small town. I managed to buy some replacement but had to make up the difference with gear which was shite & cost me a lot of money.  £15's worth of this gear in Bristol had the same effect of doing £60's worth in Devon.

I went to Bristol this weekend to visit my daughter plus I had been invited to a couple of parties. As I was travelling on the train through the town my daughter used to live with her mother & sisters I got a text from her saying she was there visiting Mum & mates. I'd got myself so worked up about seeing her I was nervous & anxious because I hadn't seen her for a while so when I learnt she wasn't going to be there I spent the whole weekend & monday getting completely fucked in the worst possible way & have undone nearly 4months of hard work. To say I'm pissed off would be the understatement of the year. I was that pissed off I didn't even make it to the parties.       

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Another lost day (the morning after)

Maybe it was a bad idea right from the start. I went to visit a friend who had been 4months clean. He had been in hospital & very luckily he didn't lose his left leg. Anyway I feel like a piece of shit, 2 bottles of vodka, 1/2g of gear and don't ask me how many valium. Oh and high grade  skunk of  course

I'm trying so hard, but obviously not hard enough !

The Ist thing i did when I got out of bed this morning was put the kettle on, the 2nd thing I did was down 3/4 quarters of a pint of vdka & orange. The coffee was to wash down 30ml of valiuim.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

One lost Day

Today has been a very strange day ! I don't have very much recollection of it because a large part of it was spent asleep, for which I am  truly gratefull. Last Friday I had a small lapse, I smoked a bag followed by the injection of two further bags. I didn't feel  anything much from the gear apart from the aleviation of the horrendous migraine I was suffering from at the time. However I believe the the lapse was the result of the ongoing turmoil that has been spinning around in my head for the last 2months or so which I believe has also been causing of the migraines.
Anyway back to today; I got out of bed at about 8:00am breakfasted on bacon and egg and toasted some bread baked from my newly acquired bread making machine. With breakfast out of the way and what I thought a long day ahead of me I strolled down to the bargain booze which is  roughly 2mins walk from my door and the young woman refused to serve me which was strange because it was only nine o'clock and I hadn't yet had a drop to drink, the only thing it could be was the valium I'd purchased yesterday I'd taken a few knew because my head was splitting with pain. After having been refused and hurling some abuse along the lines of "I'm never coming in this fucking shop again because I've been in far worse states than this and you've served me" I walked down to the beach for a slice of solice. After taking in a few minutes of tranquility from the beach I started homeward but could not resist calling into one of the pubs on my journey home. I was welcomed in and served, however a few minutes later the landlady came up to me a and said  " If you want to sleep Karl I suggest you go home " Not wanting to cause more than one scene in such a short space of time I simply downed my drink and left.
I arrived home and the next thing I can remember was my father calling my name, it sounded like he was in the flat, he claimed he'd been trying to ring me but couldn't get an answer. Anyway, he left and the next thing I know it's just gone midnight, so it would seem I've spent the whole day in bed.
Yesterday I purchased 50 10ml valiums,   I bought them for two different reasons, 1) migraine relief.     2) I'm attempting to stop drinking because it's getting out of control. I'll often drink in the morning before going to work but quite often  that's the only  drink I'll have all day, I know that's no excuse but it's become a habit I'm finding difficult to break.
 When I  woke up a couple of hours ago I haven't been able to find my valium, there's got to be about 30 of them, I really hope I haven't swallowed them all though I think I'd know about it by now if I had. I've been having difficulties writing things down recently my head because has been all over the place. Not doing gear certainly has improved my life and shown me pathways beyond my imagination but there are also dark avenues that need to be trodden and overcome, my path seems to be turning into a bit of a minefield.

Monday, 10 September 2012

It was never going to be simple.

Life is becoming a drag, I'm bored, frustrated & alone, of course it's all down to me I'm here and it's up to me to do something about it.

Last week I swallowed 28 df 's (30ml codeine tablets). I didn't feel anything from them, they didn't even make me itch. The only thing I felt was disappointment.
The work I've been doing down on the harbour is coming to an end so it's high time I gave myself a sharp kick up the ass. I need a new path to follow, I need a change, if I'm not careful I can see myself heading for another crash. I always knew that giving up the gear would be the easy part, life is where I always seem to fail.

My Brother has left town, he hasn't gone far but he's now living in some kind of dry house. He got into it through NA. He got himself clean for a few days which was the basic requirement for entry and apparently he can stay there for up to 2years, Good luck to him but as usual he's left his mess for some one else to tidy up.

Last time I went to Bristol my plan was to buy a load of gear, bring it back here and make some money. Needless to say that plan was doomed before I even got on the train but I've got a new reason to go there now. My eldest daughter has flown the nest and moved to the big city to find work. I've got a friend living in the same area she's moved to so a visit real soon is on the cards. Plus I could really do with a good night out to blow away the cobwebs that I've been collecting.

Today brings me into my 12th week of not using gear, I'm not counting the df's because they're nothing more than head ache tablets at the end of the day, though my motives for taking them was a bit dubious. I'm beginning to think that it's not just my drug abuse that needs to be addressed, it's my whole way of life that needs dismantling and rebuilding. Addressing the drugs issue is just for starters.

No one said this was going to be easy but it's only just beginning to dawn on me how much work there is that has to be done.

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Where did all the good gear go ?

North Devon,  23/8/12

" Alright mate, What's the gear situation ?"
" It's shite mate, we've done seven bags and we're still standing !"
" Urs texted me a few days ago, 'ours is lovely' it said"
" Hey Love ! What's Urs's gear like ?"
" It's shite !"

I'm not exactly sure what got into me, ten minutes of madness that only gear could quell,  for it was all I could think about in that short space of time, however I wasn't about to ruin my nine weeks of being heroin free for a bag of shite.

I got lucky that time and for this I am truly grateful !  I need to be more prepared for this kind of episode because sooner or later there will be some decent gear in this town and a moment of weakness can demand such a high price. I've only just begun getting used to having spare cash in my pocket. My kitchen cupboards are overflowing with fresh fruit and vegetables, I'm not stressing over how much money is on the leccy metre, not all the bills are final demands. Shit, I'll be planning a bloody holiday next !   I can't believe I've spent the last eighteen years being completely and utterly skint but the worse thing about this is it's been completely self inflicted.

It's nearly ten weeks now and without a shadow of doubt I have far surpassed my highest hopes and expectations.

 Maybe there is a life after heroin !


Friday, 17 August 2012

Snake in the Grass

North Devon 2010
I'm sure I didn't leave the stepladder there ? What the fuck !  There's a circular dent in the door and the locks not working. Luckily I had the key for the dead lock, strange thing was, I never use the dead lock unless I'm going away. As I stepped through the door the answer to my question was staring up at me from the floor, a section 1:8 search warrant. So the slimy little shit did do it, I was right all along. The cops are gonna be pissed, ha.

I was one of the first in a long line of many to get raided earlier that year. The hash business was going great, it was quite a profitable sideline, though it's main purpose was to finance my heroin habit the way it had done in previous years. Hash is relatively harmless, selling it rests easy on my conscience, I worked behind a bar for years, it's obvious to me which drug causes the most destruction, even the coppers agree that alcohol is the dangerous one. Somebody was ratting us all in, doors were flying off their hinges all over town. Everyone had their suspicions as to who the big mouth was and we were all bitterly aware that it had to be someone close.

I'd been waiting nearly six weeks for this batch, I was starting to feel the pinch. Half a kilo turned up Wednesday night and I sent out the necessary texts, by five o'clock Thursday afternoon I only had six ounces left and at precisely five thirty I was visited by sixteen officers of the law and one dog, two vans, one Land Rover and three cars, God only knows what they were expecting to find, it was only me on my lonesome, there was so many of them they couldn't even all fit in the flat at the same time. The warrant had been issued at nine twenty am. Somebody I'd texted the night before had to be the Grass. The only people I texted were people I assumed were my friends, but as someone once told me, "Assumptions are the path to all fuck ups !" I was sentenced to eight weeks suspended for a year plus one hundred and forty hours community service.

One of the names at the top of my list was Joe, a smack dealer, he was my main smack dealer at the time, he was supposed to be a mate, it was even him who'd set me up with my hash contact. He had been busted twice fairly recently and both times he'd been caught with a considerable amount of gear, scales, cash, tick list, etc. the story was he was still waiting to be charged whilst the police were building their case. I didn't want it to be him but I had to find out. I thought of a plan which involved setting him and the police up. If he was the Grass then I could expect another visit very soon.

"Hey Joe, hows it goin mate ?"
"Uh OK"
"Been charged yet?"
"Nah"
"I got some nice weed by the way ! But that's between you and me mate, know what I mean ?"
"Um OK"

The trap was set. I was still on my suspended sentence so it would make it that bit juicier for the cops, I would have definitely been going down if there had been anything there for them to find. Three days later I'd gone home for lunch, as we were pulling away I noticed a marked car turning into the close where I live, thank goodness I didn't leave two minutes later or I'd have lost half a days work as well as finding out one of my mates was the traitor.

The police had found my spare key for the deadlock, but instead of posting it back through the letter box they took it away with them. I poured myself a vodka with coke and reached up into the cupboard for my methadone, my methadone is completely legit, name on bottle etc. I practically turned the flat upside down, I naturally assumed the cops had taken it even though they had absolutely no right to do so.The only way I was able to stop myself from being ill that night was to go and score heroin. The police had caused me to break the law by scoring and using illicit drugs. I phoned up to complain that one of my keys was missing along with my prescribed medication, only to be informed that the officer in charge was off for a few days.

Four days later I get a call from a withheld number,
"Hello is that Karl ?"
"Yes speaking"
"My name is DC Rod Plod, Is it possible for you to call into the station to discuss the warrant we carried out last Thursday and what we found at the address ? I promise you are not going to be arrested."
Yeah right, I've heard that before ! Shit I wonder what they found ? well if it was anything serious they'd be coming to get me.
"OK DC Plod, I'll be there about five, What about my methadone and keys ?"
"The methadone is on top of the kitchen cupboard"
"No it's not I looked there"
"In a box apparently, and I'll give you the keys when I see you"
Right cardboard box you say, ah there it is, oh loads of rags and another cardboard box, bloody hell the bastards hid it, it's been here all the time whilst I've been out scoring gear, fucking pigs !

"As I said, you're not going to be arrested, I believe in being sensible especially seeing that what we found was a small quantity so I'm just going to caution you, even though you're still on a suspended sentence.
"Exactly how much did you you find?"
DC Plod was a bit shamefaced when he looked at me and replied,
"I'd say about eighteen pence worth"
They must have found a tiny blim on the floor somewhere.
"Oh and there was a tin with traces!"
Bloody hell they took my old stash tin because it had a bit of hash dust in it. All this just so they can justify smashing in my front door without having to pay for it.

Just as I was leaving,
"Let me guess, You were acting on information received ?"
As he was nodding I told him,
" You shouldn't believe everything you hear"

It wasn't long before Joe left town. Also he got raided two more times and got caught with considerable amounts of heroin and cash, yet he still walks free. It seems to me that the police have their priorities mixed up, they're happy to let smack dealers walk free whilst coming down hard on a drug that is relatively harmless as well as having many therapeutic, recreational and medicinal benifits.

 Where's the justice ?

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

It's got to be a One Way Ticket !

Things really are starting to change for the better. I'm enjoying my new job down on the harbour as well as having some success with it. I was worried at first that it might not work out, it's so completely different to anything I've done before. I'm earning half the money but seem to have twice as much in my pocket. I think the change in vocation has had a huge impact on my life and helped me lift myself out of the rut I've been digging myself into.

I never thought I'd enjoy a sales type job, let alone be any good at it ! I did bar work for about 5yrs but that was over 20 years ago,  it's not that different,  you just have to put on a smile and hop onto your stage, I'd forgotten how much fun I used to have, you never know who you're going to meet next.

I was definitely bored of painting and decorating, and the stress of being self employed was starting to outweigh the benefits of working for myself, BUT ! this job is seasonal and could only have another 4-6wks left. But that's OK ! It's given me a new confidence, I've rediscovered some lost skills and found the ability to adapt without the help of 'my old friend' heroin.

Last week I turned up at a friends house and walked in on four people, one smoking and three injecting gear, it wasn't very pleasant but I sat through it anyway, one of the people was my brother, a couple of months ago it would've been me. Without Heroin deadening my emotions my feelings are changing. When I'm feeling happy it's different, more intense and limitless, but when I'm pissed off I start being Mr. Angry, I seem to have a few issues with the human race, I was passionate about philosophy and politics before I started on the path of junkiedom. With gear in my veins I could just let the crap drift over my head, I'm having to bite my tongue quite often these days.

I Declare.  "I have no intention of taking heroin now or at any time in the foreseeable future." Unless administered by prescription.

This declaration is flawed but it's my decision and I'm sticking with it for now ! I'm enjoying these little changes in my life and I want to see them grow, I know that if I use just once I jeopardise this, I am determined to see this through. It's been just over seven weeks now, sometimes it feels like seven years other times it feels like seven minutes.

 The more I think about not using, the urge to use gets stronger, but when I think about the physical act of injecting it makes me shudder. Does this make sense to anybody else ?

Sometimes the urge to use is so strong it overwhelms, it takes every ounce of will power to overcome it sometimes a Brew has its uses, but it's far too easy to fill the hole that gear left behind with Brew the Special Brew that is !


This video and song are awsome. People wonder why there were riots on our streets last year. To me it's so fucking obvious !!!         Plan 'B'
                                  


I know I'm still at the beginning of this journey, but the journey has definitely begun. I still have the methadone to contend with. I committed to a small reduction recently, one in a long line of many to come.

Friday, 3 August 2012

Looking ahead !

Instead of my usual drug worker, I had a meeting with the main man who does the prescribing etc. He was my key worker a few years back and I have to see him every so often anyway. I sat down opposite him and just smiled, I wanted him to work before I spilled the beans.
" Hi Karl, Now let me guess ! You've been doing the same old for the last few months, plodding along with the painting and decorating and dabbling with the gear a couple of times a week ? "
" Well actually, come Monday I wont have used for six weeks ! "
He nearly fell off his chair.

He asked me if I had made a decision one night to give up or whether this was something that has just happened; well it's been both ! Over the last couple of years there's definitely been a decrease in the amount of heroin I've been consuming, though I was lapsing regularly and my binges sometimes got way out of control because of using other drugs on top of the heroin and methadone. The binges slowly became shorter and less frequent. In the end I've simply grown tired of the bullshit, poverty, substandard gear, lumps, bumps, bruises,scars etc, people looking down on me, the list goes on. I'm so glad I've grown weary of it and the longer I'm away from it the more I wonder how I kept it going for so long. I've been lucky to have found an escape via this route and haven't had to do a detox in a prison cell, or hit absolute rock bottom living on the streets of a big city or been forced into giving up because of a health issue that gave me two choices, Detox or Die ! I know I'm far from cracking it but I can say this right now,
" I'm closer to my goal of being opiate free than I have been in over ten years."
I say this because although I've been in similar situations before, this time feels so different. Maybe all those times I failed led me to where I am now ?

A few days ago I wrote a comment about the handful of people I know who have managed to stay clean, I've been thinking about this and would like to expand on it.

The people I know who've successfully detoxed and stayed clean have always had one thing in common, they all tell me that they never again intend to take heroin, none of this one day at a time malarkey, this may be a useful tool for many people and it's a little mantra I've used myself time after time, it has never had long term success for me and practically everyone I know who's employed it have always lapsed or relapsed along the path at some point. I'm beginning to think it's a bit of a cop out. When you give up, you give up, not for a day or a week or a month unless that's all you want, when you give up that's supposed to be it, end of ! finale ! For ever & ever amen !

It's scary I know ! I've always stayed well clear of making a declaration for life abstinence. I'd love to be able to enjoy some heroin or opiate drug somewhere down the line, maybe in a year or two. But as soon as I start thinking like that I'm plotting my own disaster, I'd be looking forward to that day like it was some kind of visit from an old friend I haven't seen in years and  we'd have so much to catch up on maybe we'd extend the visit to two days instead of one.

Heroin isn't an old mate I need to see again, heroin has destroyed my health and a very large part of my life, I don't want to give it up for a day, I want to GIVE IT UP now and for good !
The King Blues. The future is not what it used to be !

Monday, 30 July 2012

It's the ones we love that hurt us the most.

I needed to chill out tonight, instead I've been stewing in confusion, guilt and anger. I popped in to see my parents on the way home from work, I really wish I hadn't . There's a saying that comes to mind,
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
I'd only called in to give mother the duty free baccy I'd got for her, I'd had a few drinks after work and was feeling a bit merry, Mum picked up on this, made a negative comment and unfortunately I took the bait and responded with an equally inane negative comment. Both comments were so insignificant I can't even remember what they were. I decided to leave quick sharp before things got out of hand but as I reached the front door I had a change of heart and turned back. I went back into the kitchen where Mum was sat, put my arm around her shoulder, said sorry and asked her what was troubling her so much. But the damage had already been done ! She wouldn't even look at me, she had her hand over her eyes and the tear running down her cheek told me all I needed to know. Any good feelings I had for the day vanished there and then, why oh why can't I be a little more sensitive ?
I really wish it was just me that had upset her so much but I know deep down that I was just the spark that ignited an already pre- loaded fire.
I've caused a ton of heart ache for my parents over the years, I try not to think about it too much at the moment but I know it's something that I'm going to have to face up to at some point, I physically ache when I think about how I've repeatedly hurt them year after year. I see this more clearly now than I ever have before and the reason for this is my Brother. He's a few years younger than me and he's had a habit a few years less than me. He's been living with our parents most of the time, they are afraid to push him away because they fear he will do himself in. If he could look in on the situation like I am doing  I'm afraid he might do himself in too.
He tells lie after lie without realising that we, especially me, see straight through him, I've tried talking to him so many times but he hates it when I do, it breaks my heart standing by like this, I see so much of myself in him, I can feel him hurting and screaming within. As I see what he's doing to our parents it really hits home how much hurt I've caused over the years.
I so much want to be able to do something about this but I feel completely useless, lost and very very sad, not for me, but for my brother , my mother, and my father.   

Friday, 27 July 2012

Anyone for fishing ?

Here are a few pics of the harbour where I've been spending my days this week. Every day has been absolutely beautifull. I feel priveliged to live in such a beautifull part of the world. The temptation to use has been hitting me hard recently, my whole body yearns for that rush.
Two things for which I am truly gratefull are, the beauty with which I am surrounded, and a couple of brews in the evening.





Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Is it going to be this Summer ?

Four weeks have passed now since I last took gear, I'm starting to believe that I can really do this. I'm no better off financially and I have to wonder how in the hell I managed when I was spending £150 plus every week on Heroin. It seems like I have a lot more to worry about these days but I think the worries have always been there, I just never gave them the time of day before. My biggest worries over the years have always been centred around gear and raising the money for it, not having this is like removing a ten ton weight from the top of my head. Every day on gear brought its problems, and eventually taking the damn stuff itself was one of the biggest.

I've been helping my mate out down on the harbour selling tickets for him, I've managed to sell a few trips which is a relief because I've never done anything like this before, I don't even like fishing that much although I am looking forward to the fresh mackerel I'm having for breakfast this morning. It's been so hot I've got myself sun burnt so the sunblock is definitely coming out with me today, my face, arms & neck are on fire.

I never thought I'd make it this far and I'm not quite sure how I've managed it either. I think the reluctance to go back to day one again plays a major role in me not lapsing because I have been tempted more than a few times, especially when things start to go wrong. I've also had a few people tell me that I'm looking very well, I don't really get this but it is nice to be complimented now and again.

For years now I've been longing to be able to enjoy a good Summer, I'm not talking about the weather or a fantastic holiday or earning a ton of money. By a good Summer I mean not having the stress and strain of being an addict, just enjoying it and relaxing like any "normal" person, I think this could actually be the Summer I've been yearning for.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Beyond the Point

Monday 25th June was the last time I took heroin, 1/2g administered by injection into the neck. It made feel a little light headed for a couple of minutes and I didn't need my daily dose of methadone. For all the good it did me I might as well have put £25 in the gutter and set fire to it. I've never really counted the days before because I always knew I was going to fail and it's so depressing going back to Day1 time after time.  The 25th of June got lodged in my mind for some reason but I'm glad it did because this time feels different, is different !

Not so long ago I was seriously thinking about raising my methadone dosage, during the last two weeks I've decreased my dose by 5mls and in a couple of weeks, as long as everything is OK, I'll make it official. I'm going to try and stay 5mls in front of what I'm being prescribed to give myself a small buffer zone and be able to have a few spare mls on the shelf for "emergencies" (oops, junkie mentality, oh well). When I get down to 10-15mls I'm going to switch over to 4ml subutex, you can do the swap at 30mls but that involves a bit of unpleasantness. I switched over from 12mls of meth once and I was walking around on cloud nine for a couple of days, it was wonderful (oops again). Subutex is a completely different drug to methadone, when used in the right way it makes tapering down to zero almost physically painless.

My goal has always been to achieve non-dependency of opiates but the closer it gets the more daunting it seems. About 3yrs ago I got down  to a tiny dose of subutex and the fear got the better of me, I sabotaged myself by bingeing for a couple of weeks and went straight back up to 30mls of meth. I've still got a long journey ahead of me and what I think I'm going to be needing more than anything else is courage, because I'm shitting myself !
                                                   
                                                        NO TURNING BACK NOW !

Monday, 16 July 2012

FreshRadioUK.com

If anybody out there is into trippy trance music check out freshradiouk internet radio monday nights 20:00hrs -22:00hrs.  Raoulw.    You will not be disappointed    X

Sunday, 15 July 2012

On the road in France

This is the way to travel, plenty of good smoke and some decent sounds !
We were on our way to France in search of work. five of us packed into a transit van, it felt good to be on the open road again. The van was an ex police riot van and without fail Tim  had to relay that information every time we got pulled, if you looked closely enough you could sill see the lettering on the sides. Just before leaving Holland we'd stocked up at our favourite coffee shop, we had a couple of oz's of everyday hash plus a few deals of something tasty for the journey. Simon had shaped and prepared the 2ounces for internal concealment but he was having trouble getting it up there.
Somewhere just before the French border Tim cried out,
"We're being fucking pulled"
"Oops it was only a recovery vehicle"
"Well" said Simon, " It was almost as if they were sucked up there"
At least the hash was now safely packed away, we just needed to get on and smoke gourmet stuff. We'd brought a few trips as well but they were safely stashed away in a cassette tape.
We were about fifty miles over the border and needed to stop at the services, we had seen absolutely no sign of border control or police. Simon and I went off to find the toilets, I thought it was a bit soon but Simon wanted to unload the parcel. As we made our way back to the van we could see that something was wrong, the other three were standing around the van looking on whilst two blokes were inside rifling their way through our possessions.
"Shit I'd hold back a bit if I were you Simon" The hash was now in his pockets.
It was customs and they looked quite intent on finding something.
We only a had a few words of French between us apart from Lindsay who had come along for the ride and her French wasn't that good.
One of them came out of the van holding my jacket.
"Who's" ?
" It's mine"
He proceeded to pull out coffee shop roach cards and king size rizla's from the pockets,
"Do you smoke hashish" ?
"Yes, but only in Holland" I don't think I was very convincing. He just passed me my jacket and climbed back into the van.
I turned to Adam,
"Where are the bits ? I know I didn't stash them" !
"They're under the carpet, there was no time, they appeared out of nowhere"
I decided then to hold my hands up if it came to it, what was the worst they could do for a few blims of hash, send me home " ?

We heard the crackling of their radio and some sharp words being exchanged, all of a sudden they'd clambered out of the van and were walking away from us. One of them turned round and said with a frown on his face,
"We have somewhere else to be "
They'd definitely found it because they'd left it in full view with the carpet pulled back.
The only thing we could do was put as much distance between us and them as possible. Eventually we turned off the motorway and followed the signs for the beach.

I'd never seen a beach like it before in my life, all I could see either side of me was beach disappearing into the horizon and apart from us there was not a soul to be seen. There were signs planted at regular intervals,  NO SWIMMING  NO CAMPING AND NO FIRES ! Hmmm, we were miles from anywhere and there wasn't a soul in sight. We collected a load of drift wood, built a huge fire, broke open the red wine and it wasn't long before the acid was dug out. We had miles and miles of empty beach and we were amusing ourselves by picking burning logs out of the fire, waving them around and having mock sword fights with our flaming brands,  little embers would fill the air whenever our swords clashed. When completely out of nowhere a spotlight appears in the distance working its way along the dunes in our direction, as it got closer we heard the unmistakable sound of a helicopters propellers,
"SCAT"
I don't know what we thought was going on but within seconds we had all dropped our flaming logs and were legging it into the safety of the dunes just to watch the helicopter pass us by and continue up the coast.

We had travelled to find work, but work wasn't forthcoming, not only were we running out of options we were running out of money. We also needed somewhere to park up, we'd spotted a gypsy site and thought we'd see if they could give us any pointers.Within two minutes of speaking to them they'd invited us to pull onto their site and asked us if we were hungry, we spent the next three weeks playing games with those gypsies but that's another story. 

Saturday, 14 July 2012

It wasn't !

It turned out to be the perfect night, clear sky and a full moon.
" Ready "
"Yep "
" Let's do this then"
Five people dressed in their darkest clothes, five spliffs, ten bottles of beer and one torch. Gerard had been elected to stay behind and look after the caravan. Twenty minutes later we're stood in front of a four foot jump over a dyke and a barbed wire fence, but it was the sight in the sky above us that captured our attention. On top of the hill which was about four to five hundred metres away cross country there were three bonfires lighting up the sky,
"what the fuck" ?
"Shit" !
"What do we do now" ?
"Come on let's get closer so we can see what's going on".

                         *                                   *                               *                                  *

I've been struggling with this narrative for a couple of days, I just can't get into it so I'm cutting it short. Anyone who's been to Holland will know that the place is flatter than flat, that hill was just so surreal especially with those fair rides on top of it.
Not only were there bonfires, there were cars whizzing around being followed by a camera crew but that wasn't the main reason this hill has stuck in my mind for the last twenty years. When we started to climb the hill we got a couple of metres up and our feet started to sink, at first glance the ground looked normal but after a closer inspection I was completely gobsmacked. Underneath a thin layer of assorted organic substances were plastic bottles, vaccum cleaners, kitchen sink, you name it, it was all there, in a field, somewhere in Holland.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Long overdue but it's a start

I can hardly believe it ! Two weeks plus a few days of no gear and no extra methadone, I've even cut down my meth by 5mls. I'm not strung out, I've not been losing sleep and I feel OK. The best thing about this is that it's been practically effortless. I've been keeping away from other users but I still run into them and I've also had dealers letting me know when they're on, temptation just doesn't seem to be overpowering me the way it used to.

I am now officially unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands. In the past too much spare time would always be more time to plan, raise the money and execute the taking of drugs. Money is not the be all and end all when it comes to drugs, it certainly helps but sooner or later an addict with no desire to stop will always get their hit, there's very little that will stand in their way. Morals are eroded and ethics are subverted, it's  more than just stopping yourself from feeling ill and going through withdrawal, it's a way of life, life itself.

When I started taking heroin my objective was to forget. I wanted to forget that the woman I loved no longer wanted me, I wanted to forget that my children were a hundred miles away, I wanted to forget that my life was one big mess, I wanted to forget that I wanted to forget. I felt completely worthless and unwanted, I didn't care that the path I had chosen pushed me even further from the people I loved and lost.  It just confirmed my worthlessness.

It took me a couple of years to come to terms with not being with my children & their mother, my parents are still together and I'd always assumed that once I'd had children I would be in a rock solid partnership that would last forever. When she threw me out I hadn't seen it coming and I had no idea how to cope once she had. The only thing I did know was that taking gear took away the pain. It was a cowards way out, I should have faced up to my pain, anger and hurt, it was mine after all. I had let it turn my life into a train wreck, smashed up and going nowhere. Eventually the dust settled, but by the time it had I'd turned my problem into something much bigger, something that I've been carrying around for the last 18years.

My life has been on hold for 18 fucking years, on Friday I wont have used for 18days !  It's not long but it's a start.

Monday, 9 July 2012

It can't be !

In a field near Leiden, Holland, 1983.

There are no hills in Holland !
But there was, and it was only a few fields away.
But where the fuck are we ?
We were ten minutes ride from the farm in the back of a dark trailer.
Twenty of us, mostly English and Irish, two Dutch, one Scot. We had four days in this field, four days on our hands and knees crawling up and down a half mile long field, planting little baby dahlia seedlings, we'd already planted half a million, there was only another half a million to go.

It was impossible not to look at this hill, the only other hills you see in this country are sand dunes and it is against the law to set foot on them because they are the defenders of the land. Holland used to be under water, its land has been fought for, every square foot of it is precious. On top of this hill were the rusting hulkish forms of worn out fairground rides, I had to get a closer look.

A few weeks later all the seedlings have been planted and the farmer wanted us off his land. L and I had been living in a tent for the last ten weeks but the lads had gone and bought a caravan without having anything to tow it or more importantly anywhere to tow it to. The old boy had had enough of us, I think his patience had run out last week when he woke up to find thirty English/Irish drop outs tripping their heads off dancing around burning pallets in his back yard on a Sunday morning. He simply hooked the caravan up to his tractor, towed it a couple of miles and unhooked it. Our new home was on the side of a country road, next to a dike, next to a water plant (sewage works), no running water, no electricity, no jobs. Six of us .

Next day Jase, L and me set out to find work, we walked solidly for eight hours, we found no work but we did see the Hill, it wasn't that far from the caravan but it looked like it was surrounded by fields. I was limping quite badly by the time we got back, my left heel was just one big blister.
"The Guarda have been" pudgy informed us
"And" ?
"We're not allowed to stay here"
An expensive new car pulls up, out steps Paddy and one of the bulb factory bosses. They come to the door, poke their heads in and then Paddy points to me, Jase and L,
"You, you & you tomorrow" it wasn't a question, the three of us were working tomorrow.
"Karl, Jason, be over there on the road at 4:30 you'll be going up north and working in the fields, L be at the factory eight o'clock."
And then they were gone.
"Shit, eight hours of walking and all we had to do was sit here and wait."

It wasn't long before me and Jase were in the factory as well. We were grateful for the work, even though the pay was the minimum and they worked us like dogs.  Word had been getting out about this area for a while now, on the way into work we would pass several groups of brightly coloured UK misfits going from gate to gate in search of work. Funny thing was the majority of them had never had a job or would probably never even consider having a job back in the UK. We had to sign a contract saying we were students, this excluded us from tax, but it limited us to four weeks maximum. L and I decided that if we could save some cash we'd invest it in some trips and go up to the Hook. Apparently there was plenty of work around there in the greenhouses, and there was also plenty of fresh people straight off the ferry looking to score.

This factory had a very high turn over of workers, two out of ten workers would leave by lunchtime. The one bit of advice Paddy gave us turned out to be invaluable.
" Bring a jumper and spare T shirts"
"Eh ! It's the middle of the bleeding Summer, What the hell are you on about" ?
" You need to keep sweating " !
I'm glad we took heed. The main bulb in this place was Hyacinth, there were several million of them and where there are several million hyacinth bulbs there is a great deal of hyacinth dust in the atmosphere. The dust particles are like miniature barbed hooks, it gets onto your skin and makes you itch, and of course when you scratch you succeed in working the dust into your skin which makes it itch more. The more you scratch the itchier it gets, once you start you just can't stop ! We had no running water and the dust got everywhere, it was in our hair, in our clothes, even in our sleeping bags. If we could afford to we'd go to the swimming pool and soak the dust out of ourselves, but usually we made do with the lake, where it would take up to an hour to soak it out. I was not upset to see the end of that job.

L couldn't wait to leave, I can't say I blame her, five blokes and one woman all condensed into one small caravan. We were off to the Hook in the morning, packed and ready to go. There was just one thing I had to do before we left, I had to walk up that Hill.
TBC.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

One more stone

4:30 AM. St. Pauls Bristol 1998
It was just me & Joe seeing in the morning. Joe was an old mate I'd known for years, he also happened to be a heroin dealer who loved crack cocaine.
" Karl I'm off to get one last stone, stay here if you want "
" Bloody hell mate, there aint gonna be anyone on at this time is there ?"
" Darkness will be on !"
Shit, that meant going down the frontline again & I really didn't like or trust Darkness he was a complete pschycopath, story was he had 3 working girls locked up in his place, he only ever let them out to earn and they always came back, probably because he very rarely ran out of white.
The streets were deserted, we got there without incident, now all we had to do was get back to the flat. We were practically home when across the road 2 blokes were eyeing us up,
"Give us a lick" one of them cried,
"Just keep walking, don't look back" warned Joe.
Joe lived in a ground floor flat, there was no wall to the back garden so we could just come off the road walk through the garden and his front door was on the side of the house.
" Run " urged Joe as we reached the side of the house, he already had his keys in his hands. We got through the door but they were right behind us puhing it open whilst we were desperately pushing back trying to close it. All of a sudden I was on my own pushing & they were getting the better of me, they were practically in but then Joe was back on the door with one hand & in the other he had one of those hand held sprayers you use for watering & feeding plants, he was spraying a mist of what looked like water into their eyes.
"What the fuck is that? " I heard one of them cry & I could see him raising his hands to his eyes & stepping away. I saw my chance to end this & gave the other one a mighty push & Joe was right behind me pushing the door shut, only problem was one of my arms was still outside,
" Open the fucking door my arm"
Joe opened the door for me to pull my arm back inside & as I did I felt something nick my forehead, I didn't think anything of it straight away I was just so relieved to be out of danger.
"What on earth did you have in that sprayer Joe ? "
"Ammonia and Bleach, That's my homemade mace" he was quite proud of it, I was very very gratefull.
" Let's have a look at your head ?"
" Na it's allright, what was that anyway ? "
" A machette "
" No way "
" Fancy a pipe ? "

Later on we opened up the door & laying on the step was a machette.
That morning used to pop up in my memory quite often & I always used to wonder what would've went down if those guys had gotten in, it's certainly been fuel for a few nightmares.

Monday, 2 July 2012

OD.

Bristol 1998.
500 df118's & 70 lorazepam, codiene and benzoes, should be plenty to see me through. This was my latest DIY detox supplies, now all I need is one last hit, & as luck would have it,
" Yeah matey's downstairs & he's got some lovely tackle"
"Sorted"
An hour or 2 later I was on the bus heading towards the nightshift at pacel force & for some reason my stomach didn't feel too good. I got off the bus &  practically had to run the last 1/4mile to the warehouse because my bowels were on the move. I stood in the toilets stareing at the mirror, something wasn't right, I'd had a huge hit earlier, it was easily enough to see me through the night, but the eyes looking back at me from the mirror weren't pinned as they should've been, instead my pupils were big shiny orbs. I was going into withdrawal & it was digging in fast. There was no way I could stay there & do a 10hr shift I needed to get home, I needed to find out what on earth had gone wrong.

Home was about 10 miles away, so after making my excuses I got one of my workmates to run me home as the last bus had long since departed. I had to stop the car once to throw up & then again once I'd realised my teeth had come out & were lieing in the road somewhere next to a pile of puke.

"What's going on ? "
" Karl don't you remember ? "
" Eh you what "
" Karl, you went over ! "
" No way "
"Yes way "
" Shit not again, Well why the hell am I clucking my head off ? "
" Ah "
" What do you fuckin mean, Ah ? "
" We had to give you a quarter of a Naltraxone "
" SHIT FUCK What do you mean ? SHIT FUCK oh my GOD, SHIT FUCK what did ya go an do that for ? SHIT FUCK, well thanks for letting me know"

There's every possibility they'd saved my life, I wasn't feeling gratefull. I looked on my shelf, 5 hunded Df's & 70 lorazepam,  I wondered if they could possibly sort me out. I'd recently stopped taking naltraxone, I took it for a couple of weeks after taking part in the subutex trials and I knew that one whole tablet basically put you out of the game for at least 48hrs but I'd only had a quarter. I'm not sure how many Df's I took that night, it was definiteley more than 50 & less than 100, with some of the lorazepam tablets on top I guess I managed to get some sleep as I woke up some time in the early hours  feeling OK.

Oh well

It's time to make the call, social security here I come. Within the hour I'll be a statistic, just another victim of the recession. There's no point in blaming anyone or any group for my present predicament, I'm probably not guilt free myself. The only thing I'm gratefull for at the moment is I'm not scrabbling around trying to raise the money for a bag, all thoughts of gear went out the window a week ago.
It's a good job I've learnt how to live on practically fuck all !

Friday, 29 June 2012

On yer bike !

When I woke up this morning I realised that heroin wasn't on my mind, of course then it was all I could think about. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd done any, so I thought about it and worked it out to be Monday evening. Wow, this is good ! Maybe I should be jumping for joy, I haven't even been thinking about heroin lately, it used to be on my mind every minute of every day.

I'm hoping this change in my thinking is more than just temporary unlike the events that have brought it about. Instead of worrying about where my next hit is gonna come from I'm more concerned about  my next meal, a few more £'s for the electricity metre, the water bill, council tax, etc. etc.

The way I see it I have 2 choices. Start banging on doors & be prepared to do absolutely anything or sign on, or both. Signing on is pretty much a job in itself these days & I don't really want to go down that road but it's getting to the stage where I don't see much choice in the matter.

I know I'm not the only person who's struggling, times are hard, I'm sick of this damned recession, sick of thinking about it, hearing about it & sick of feeling it.

Well that's my day sorted then, after scavaging around in the back of the freezer to find some breakfast I'm putting on my coat, getting on my bike & I'm off to seek my fortune.

LLLOL

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Good Thoughts Bad thoughts

One days work left & no new job to go on to. Maybe I should get a haircut & apply to tescoes.
I'm sick of playing catch up, every time I get my head above water it sinks back down again whilst I'm waiting for the next job to come along. My life has become unsustainable & I'm getting further & further into debt.
I love living where I am now, next to the sea, surrounded by rolling green hills but one of the only options I can think of at the moment is moving back to the city & working in some shitty factory or warehouse & I know exactly where that will lead me.
I think I'll just wait & see what tomorrow has in stall.

Saturday, 16 June 2012

One week later

It all went wrong on Wednesday, & then Thursday, 2 wk's & I just couldn't help myself. To be honest I think I backed myself into a corner & gave myself very little choice. I had a couple of migraine attacks & used my methadone to get some relief, 2 days worth, none of the 'over the counter' painkillers have any effect, I've even had  migraines develop shortly after taking a hit. Usually I can buy some extra meth if I need to but this week all I managed to get hold of was a days worth of physeptone tablets, but by the time I got hold of them my mind had been made up, & once that's happened there's very little chance changing it, not when gears involved.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my key worker with whom I'm about 90% honest with. She was happy about me not using for 2weeks & pleased to see me smiling for a change even though I couldn't produce a clean sample. I did a test anyway & to my disappointment it came up positive for benzoes as well as gear & I haven't used benzoes for over a month. She didn't seem to bothered about the benzoes, apparently everyone has been testing positive for them recently, there's a very strong chance it's in the gear.
The subject of my methadone being increased came up again. My first reaction to this was no way. What's the point in that, it's only gonna give me more to come off of at the end of the day. Her reasoning was that because I'm continually going round in circles, constantly lapsing, a different approach might be helpful & the more I think about this the more I'm inclined to agree. Maybe more methadone is a step in the right direction if it stops me using on such a regular basis, I can handle life on methadone, I can live normally & productively, I don't buy into all the scaremongering that surrounds it, I've come off of methadone many times, it's HEROIN I've never been able to emancipate myself from ! I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet though one thing I know for sure, things cannot carry on the way they are. Plus, I really do need to find a way of managing these migraines.   

Saturday, 9 June 2012

I'm not usually into covers but this is one of the best by some of the best.
 My love of music began with The Clash.

"I can't keep giving my life away".      Joe Strummer    RIP.

I'm guessing that what I need to do is accept the mess I've made of my life, stop tinkering with it, move on & change. Sounds easy but then saying something usually is.
I've had mild panic attacks the past 2nights, I've been pacing the flat with feelings of dread & foreboding flowing through me. Luckily I've managed to talk myself calm & not done anything I might regret. I know that the lack of opiates probablyly play a part in this but I think there's also a lot of factors that I don't have any control over.
I was supposed to be going on a pub outing today, I'd paid my coach fare in advance but because I've had no work this week due to the jubifuckinglee & then the shit weather, I have no money. The only good thing about having no money is that I can't buy gear but then if I wanted to go down that road I'm sure I'd find a way. It's a good job my chemist trusts me & will give me my meth for the week on tick. I'm probably the only person in this whole town that pays for it anyway !
So today I'm gonna try & be as positive as I can, I'm gonna finish painting the big window in my living room & then take the coastal route into town to pick up my meth so I can absorb some of the beauty that surrounds me. My primary concern is that I can get through this rut without using. Breakfast will probably be a good start so I'm off to buy some duck eggs which I'm gonna scramble.

Have a good weekend.      Karl X

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Onwards

Dinner's in the oven, the last pages of my latest trilogy of escapism have been turned, 2 beers on the shelf, & tomorrow I start a new job, weather permitting.
I've had a whole 4days off, I should have been decorating my own flat but it's the last thing I want to do after spending all day nearly everyday decorating some one Else's. Never mind, it will get done eventually,the important thing is that I got through the weekend & the bank holidays without using. I felt like scoring a few times but I hhaven't really missed it.    
And Lo & Behold, something good happened, it was only a small thing but it was like a little light shining upon my day. The last few weeks have brought nothing but worries, stress & final demands. I was starting to get a bit despondent because instead of improving, my life seemed to be getting steadily worse. I know it's early days but emotions can run high when opiates are removed from the equation.

So my faith has been restored & I will continue along this path & see where it leads to next !

Goodnight     Karl  x

Monday, 4 June 2012

The Tenth Planet

Have you ever read anything and thought that's exactly what I think but have never before been able to put it into words?  Well I have, many times, it doesn't always turn out to be true of course but here is my most recent !

Turn up the volume & open your heart !

Have you ever wondered why in all of creation in the entire galaxy, the universe & beyond 6 billion plus human beings just happen to find themselves living together on one incredibly beautiful planet ?

We are one planet,
one home,
one race-
the human race.

Energised & nurtured by the sun whose rays illuminate the whole world & paint our skies with an awesome display of colours.
Our sun provides energy & power beyond measure, & reflects the power & beauty within each of us.

We have unlimited potential to contribute in creative & inspiring ways, & to share a deeper understanding that we are all one in this together.
As we conquer our fears & climb to higher levels of compassion & acceptance, & recognise the unique expression & contribution of each blessed soul on this earth, we unify as one people, one race & one heart & work together to honour & preserve our wonderous home.

Let's soar to our highest potential with integrity always for the highest good for all.

May we restore our faith that love is always the path to healing.

Each & every one of us can make a difference to the whole outcome by knowing the light will always prevail.

Are you ready to make a difference !

You can change the world !

Be the change you want to see in the world.

The time is Now !


This is where I found these words..... Enjoy X


Sunday, 3 June 2012

Epoch Calypso

I love this tune, so turn it up & lets dance !

Hmmmmm.

Yesterday I did something I haven't done for at least a few years. I wore a T shirt in public ! My arms aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, on close inspection the damage is glaringly obvious & anyone in the know would see that a mile off. There's not a single vein on the surface of my arms, just faint lines where they used to be. The same goes for my legs, but they've been battered more recently so I'm still waiting for the day I'm able to wear shorts. To be honest I'm amazed I can still manage to get a hit when I attempt it , OK there has been occasions where it's taken a painstaking & bloody 2-3hrs. I smoked it for the first 3-4 yrs thinking I would never go down that path but I think eventually it became inevitable.
I've managed to resist using the femoral vein, better known as the groin, I think this has been a saving grace, I've seen so many people go down this route & the consequences have cost them dearly sometimes ultimately. I have however used my neck on & off over the years which I imagine seems abhorrent to most people. I never do it myself because it would mean going against the blood flow, which damages the vein, always someone I trust, never more than twice a day & gaps of a few months between batterings. People still hit it 1st time after 10yrs plus.    Not nice I know !   It's myself I'm trying to convince here no one else.

 I'm sure that it's because I've always managed to hold down a job, nearly always a physically demanding job & have always eaten well that I've stayed as healthy as I have done, compared to other junkies my age who've had similar journeys, well, there aren't that many of them about, the ones that are, are either on permanent sick or clean & some of the ones who are clean are on permanent sick, if there is still such a thing ?

I'm on the fourth day of not using, I'm not into counting days just in case a certain no. of days gives me cause to celebrate, so I wont mention the no. of days again, it's just that I consider the first few days important, they are the 1st hurdle that can often be the most difficult. Though in reality I think they are just foothills compared to the mountains I have left to climb.

I've managed to get through these days by returning to an old refuge of mine. I've had work during the day but it's all too easy to slip off for a little while & "get myself sorted" but I' ve managed to avoid that. I find my refuge in reading, I bury myself in a set of books so deep that I rarely resurface until I've read the last page. Its almost as if the book itself has become a drug, it must be part of my obsessive self destructing behaviour which I so badly need to sort out.


Friday, 1 June 2012

Shit it's so damn hot ! 
Had to take the day off work today, I had a skittles match last night & stayed far later than I intended to, the beer took its revenge on me this morning & I was in no fit state to tackle the ladder which I've been on top of for the last 2weeks. So I've been reading & dozing all day long as if I didn't have a problem in the world, I suspect the double dose of methadone I took this morning had a large part to play in this. This week has been a one of weakness, everyday seemed to bring me into touch with gear & I just didn't have the strength to turn away. So much for being bored of it, I had a suspicion that that path was going to be a dead end. One of my first fascinations with gear was that it's practically impossible to be bored of, especially whilst on it. It's the consequences & repercussions I'm bored of.
The first time I took heroin I was 21, on a campsite in Holland, it feels like a lifetime ago now, one things for sure, back then I didn't have a worry in the world, or the worries I did have seem very insignificant  now. That was the first time I took gear but I'd fallen in love with opiates years before that fateful summer. Good old DF 118's. I was around thirteen / fourteen when they came into my life, along with sleepers, tranquilisers & pretty much anything else I found lurking in medicine cabinets. I was on a mission to try everything & pretty much anything, young & fearless, fuck knows how I've managed to stay alive so long !

Its Friday night & I've made it through 2 days of not using (my god, that sounds pathetic, oh well I suppose I have been !)
Tomorrow is a brand new day! Tomorrow is a fresh new adventure ! Tomorrow is change - without it we die !    Karl   X          Goodnight 

Tomorrow I have to go to fucking work LOL !

Sunday, 27 May 2012

I Think I just saw the DS rolling into town !

Of course it could be in my imagination, but as they passed me by in their Land drover & marked car I swear they were checking me,checking them, checking me. Its a good job I found those 30 v's I'd thought I'd lost a couple of weeks ago, I've been searching all over for them & then there they are, right under my nose as usual & now I'm wondering what to do with them because I don't want to take them unless I really have to & the longer they're within my reach the more reasons I'm gonna come up with to take them.
 It's difficult enough at the moment with the gear being so unusually strong, the last couple of weeks have seen me use 4times & each time I've been completely smashed. The 1st time caught me by surprise, pleasant surprise, but each time after that a kind of realisation has been taking place, as pleasant as it may seem, I think I'm starting to get bored of it. If this is the case I'm glad, because it'll make my goals so much easier to obtain, but I know I've been here before.
So I'm keeping it simple tonight, I've had a fucker of a week & I've been working most of today as well & all I want to do is curl up with my book & read till I sleep.

Goodnight.......Karl

Sunday, 20 May 2012

No ones Slave No ones Master !

Yeah it's hippy shit man & I fucking love it !
NEWSFLASH !   The actual decorating has actually resumed. After a few hours of good purging this morning I have got stuck back into the decorating. Whilst doing so the old man (dad ) turned up with a 100 duty free cigs & a plate of food, sometimes I really do feel blessed. Especially after him seeing me last night when I was so utterly fucked. I think my parents blame themselves a bit for the way things have turned out, this is something I really must sort out, because of course they're not to blame not one little iota !
 Why Oh why does life seem so completely complicated when it should really be so simple ? Shit there I go again, asking myself questions that have no proper answers. That's enough for today, it's time to relax with that book I've been meaning to pick up for the last couple of weeks & have my cup of beer, I wonder if I'll drink both cans or save one for the morning to motivate me off to work, yet another unanswerable question !
Goodnight... Karl

More purging & yet another resolution.

In writing a reply to bugerlugs' comment to my last post I have inadvertently written another piece to this puzzle, it also tells of what happened to L after we had gone our separate ways.
 When I eventually found out what had been going on I was afraid of what I would do to the bloke if I ever ran into him. he turned out to be a real bastard, he was clever enough to hit her where she wouldn't bruise or where it wouldn't show. Like I said L was a strong woman, not strong in the physical sense she was only 5' 2" with a very slight build. Her degree was in Woman's studies for fucks sake. I once asked her how she had managed to let things get to the extent they did, she never hesitated when she told me that she had loved him & as we all know love can make you do strange things. She had fallen into the cliche battered woman syndrome, but thank goodness her strength shone through in the end & she ran from it as hard as she could. Someone told me that she had admitted being with him was the biggest mistake in her life.
I never found out this guys surname or if I did I've forgotten it. I am a peaceful person but I'll say this now.
" Marc if you're still out there & I ever run into you, you are gonna get one mighty punch, only one because that's all it's gonna take". I'm sorry to say this would be for my satisfaction, but it will also be for L & the children, especially his daughter who will always wonder what happened to her father but has to be reminded by her sisters that she was frightened of him. They were all frightened of him, I can remember the children complaining that they didn't want to live with him anymore when they would be going home from a visit but I just put this down to them having a good time with me & my family.
I suspect that it was down to my habit that I missed what was going on in London but I was living in Bristol & didn't have that much communication with L. I did try moving there a couple of times & looking for work, I even stayed clean for 2 months the longest clean period I've had without a script & got a couple of jobs but that was in the early years of my habit before I ever had a script.
Yesterday I took a big hit of gear & I was fucked, really properly fucked, this is the 1st time I have felt so fucked from gear since the drought. This is what I've been dreading for some time now, I knew the quality would return one day. I've been using on & off  for the last few months, but this is it now so I'm going to say it again.
 "Things have got to change" .
 " Things must change " .
 Change = Life, without it we die !!

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Trying to work it all out.

The following series of posts are concerned with me & what went on in my life for it to turn into what it has, I maybe working over old ground here but this is what I think maybe useful to me right now !
Certain events in my life recently have alarmed me & given me a lot too think about. I have been on the verge of declaring that I want to go into rehab, but I have always resisted this because I would like to think I am strong enough to do this on my own. I've been forced to go over old ground in my head which is sometimes painful but I need to work out where my self destructive behaviour is coming from.
I think that 30yrs of substance abuse has affected me one way or another, maybe even damaged me in some way mentally. I used to think taking mind altering drugs would bring me answers, kind of like a short cut to Nirvana, I know now that I was badly mistaken & completely naive, but I was young & foolhardy, I must have taken trip after trip after trip, LSD & mushrooms 100's I lost count by the time I was 18. I tried other things as well datura (jimson weed) & DMT I couldn't get enough.
I always had a natural inclination to philosophy etc. always been looking for answers to the BIG questions, the sort of questions people have been asking since the dawn of time, questions that are unanswerable (I think therefore I am) that sort of thing.
Anyway I was 24 when I 1st. went to college, we had a year old baby & one on the way. We moved from London to Snowdonia. London was my partners home town so we were basically moving a long way away from her family & friends, which I have since realised must have been really difficult for her, but I knew where I was going I'd been there before. My father had also studied at Harlech, I was very young at the time but I went to school there for two years & had very vivid memories. I'll never forget taking the baby out for the 1st time & seeing her face when she saw the castle & the mountains. I loved it, every minute of it, I was completely absorbed in my studies, the 1st lesson I learnt was that I knew nothing, or what I did know was not a lot & what I didn't was huge, I couldn't get enough I even enjoyed writing essays.
My partner I'll call her L had been to uni before I met her, she was happy for me but after the 2nd baby was born she found it really hard being away from her support networks, it took me a while to notice, I regret this now but I was just so engrossed in my studies I didn't realise how much she was suffering, years later she told me she had even considered ending it all, she'd stood looking over a cliff for a very long time. I think she must have been suffering from  the depression that some mothers get after giving birth ( I can't remember its proper name). I can't believe I didn't recognise it, I'd seen it before in friends, I have apologised to her for this many years ago but when I think about it, it is something that weighs heavy on my heart. I passed my diploma with flying colours & we went to Cardiff where I had been accepted on a philosophy course. Between Harlech & Cardiff we spent a couple of months in Bristol where I'll never forget meeting an old friend in my old local pub.I told her I'd eventually found what I wanted to do. She said to me" Karl don't do it, it will fuck your head up" she was wiser than her years & must have sensed something in me that I had not realised myself. She was right of course, my head was continually spinning with Q's & A's I was completely oblivious to what was going on around me & the drugs didn't help they made things worse & more chaotic.
We had both been taking heroin occasionally for about 5years. I was doing hash runs to Bristol to make extra money but would always end up scoring gear while I was there, sometimes secretly. I didn't see what was coming L was falling for someone else, our relationship was falling apart, she was drinking more & more I was taking gear more & more, by the time I realised what was going on it was too late, I took more drugs & got angry, we started to argue a lot & eventually she asked me to leave, I left uni & returned to Bristol where I found refuge in heroin, this is when I became the addict I am today which I'm trying so desperately hard not to be.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

L's & R's

Lapses & Relapses ! Yes I've done it again, I just hope it doesn't go so far this time & cause as much damage, psychological damage that is. Gear has been consumed most days costing £40-50 , had a couple of amphet binges taking an eighth of an ounce over an evening not once but twice, drinking as much as i think I can get away with without attracting too much attention, I wont go into exactly how much, but I think I'm starting to border on alcoholism (scary), I've been chomping on those dodgy Thailand(or wherever they're from) valium 10's like there going out of fashion, I'm not even gonna mention hash, even though I just did, because that just goes without saying, it's my daily bread.
Anyway as you've probably guessed life has started to spiral again but something happened today which made me take a step back & take stock.
Along comes lunchtime & I think to myself "this job is fucking dire" I was hacking modern paint off of an old lime rendered cottage, Don't worry I'm not going to get into the the technical side of why this has to be done.
"I know " Ithink to myself" lets get a 1/2g that'll make the day somewhat brighter." So I phoned up my brother & offered to lend him a tenner for a bag if he picked me up a half. Well that wasn't a very nice thing for me to do in the 1st. place because he is also a struggling, recovering addict so maybe I deserve what happened next.
While I got my weeks meth from the chemist & yet another exchange that I said I wasn't gonna do, he popped off to score. We get back to my flat, he gave me my half, I held it in my hand, there's no imagination going on here & then I put it down whist I readied my kit, went to pick up the gear & it was nowhere to be seen. My brother was already smoking his & I have complete confidence that he had nothing to do with it's whereabouts. As any addict can imagine I was, shouting, cursing & fucking fuming ! The minutes were ticking away as I frantically searched for my probably not even worth piercing the skin for shite, I was already late back from lunch & even after hammering a wall for hours my veins are still bastards to find. My brother then said" see ya I've got to go now, thanks for that", shit I had to hold my tongue. I went back to work without my hit ! Need I even say I was in an absolutely foul mood.
Well, that was at lunchtime it's now " oh my god 2o'clock" & Ive calmed down considerably, I'm not even looking for it,I'm bloody writing about it for fucks sake. I realised now, things were getting out of hand, again! I know it's here somewhere & I don't really want to find it not at the moment anyway .Though I do know one thing for sure, when I do eventually find it my head's gonna hit the ceiling when I jump for joy !
Well I've had too many late nights recently so I'm off to bed.

To anyone reading Goodnight  X

Ps please let it rain tomorrow so I don't have to go to work, & fill all the reseviours of course