Monday, 30 January 2012

Nothing Ever goes that well when you're on Gear !

Computer went Totally this time.
I have 1day to do my tax return & it has to be done on line; "NIGHTMARE CITY".
So it had to be parents to the rescue ,which is the last thing in the world I wanted to do.
We spent the whole afternoon wandering around Barnstable & couldn't find a thing. But as luck would have it I got an offer of a nearly new Packard Bell tower, in the town where I live for £150 , total bargain, so it was worth it in the end , as you can see I'm  back on line.
Just to top it off at the end of the night when I'm just about to do a hash deal, I needed to get into my flat to get the key for the stash, of course the keys to mine were nowhere to be found so I  then had to break into mine (causing no damage) & get stash keys. Well that was done & dusted so I went for a quick pint, a couple of mothers little helpers & a small hit.
WHY DO THINGS ALWAYS GO TO SHIT WHEN YOU LEAST NEED IT ?
Well that's enough moaning for today, sorry about that but I just had to get off of my chest.
I don't think getting 100 ten ml vals for £30 are helping matters very much,
It has to be a short post tonight because I've got to to do my tax return !

I hope everyone elses day went better than mine,

love as always Karl

Ps. the £150 for the tower was my 40th birthday present, 3yrs late, so now you know how old I am.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

p.3 Drugs usually end in one manner. TROUBLE

The debilitating valium 's effects have now run out but that's not to say they have . I'm sure going to be a lot more careful in the future when it comes to benzoes. The craziness has come to an end and I'm getting rather bored of writing about it anyway. So I'm going to tell you about my friend. Over the past few days what I'd heard I didn't really want to believe,so I did some digging & came up with a few undiclosed facts. This is a very difficult & disturbing story and unfortunately it is bound to upset people.
Since getting my computer there has been one person in particular I've been searching for, I tried face book once a month & googled his name regularly, nothing, nobody I'd spoken to had seen hide nor hair of him. Finally I found someone on FB who was part of our crowd. 
At this point I must mention that I hadn't seen any of this crowd for about 10 years, I'd left Bristol  as an attempt at leaving the gear scene behind me(well we all know how that worked out).
Anyway I asked about this mutual friend who I will call SF, anyone who knows him will know who I mean, the whole story is in the public domain anyway, so it doesn't really matter. he told me SF had just been sentenced to 7yrs for rape ! Now dealing or theft I could handle but rape, that's another thing altogether.
Of course I didn't want to believe it, I'd lived with this guy, we'd travelled together in fact we'd been through a hell of a lot together.He was like a brother to me. His girlfriend years ago had been gang raped in India which completely fried her mind, so it wasn't as if he didn't know the damage it could do, he'd practically lived through it with her. Because I hadn't wanted to believe it, it took me a few days to google his name. there it was in black & white, photograph and all. "The Hove Rapist" The paper said he'd been seen with this girl earlier in the day at Brighton pride festival, he later broke into her house & attacked her in her sleep, all the time her boyfriend was asleep on the couch in the lounge & didn't wake up.Another girl came forward & said the same thing had happened to her two years earlier, she also gave evidence at the trial. .7yrs & 5yrs to run concurrent.
What they didn't mention is that this girl was a drug dealer & SF was working for her, making her loads of money. He swears she was awake the whole time then suddenly realises her boyfriend was downstairs & panicked. Low & behold the cops found no drugs whatsoever in the house.The story sounds dodgy to me. The other girl who gave evidence was behind a smoked screen at the trial & has never been heard of since, she might as well have disappeared off the face of the earth.
SF was a pretty boy, charming,happy go lucky & well liked, he never had problems making friends & picking up girls, maybe he'd changed since I'd last seen him. Nobody can claim to know really know anyone but I knew him well & I don't think he did this(God I hope not).There is no doubt in my mind that something did go on between them but only they will know the truth.

If he did do it THEN MAY HE ROT IN  JAIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Thursday, 19 January 2012

Part 2. The week of Hell & a friend that may well be there.

I wish I had something good to talk about, I really do, something happy, something gleeful, pleasant or nice would be good enough, but no, drugs & misery, drugs & misery.

The valium was done & dusted which is one good thing I suppose, but the effects of taking so many in so few days seemed to go on for ever. I only really take them now & again & then it's only a few at a time, 2 or 3 maybe 5.

Life was spinning out of control. The weather was good but I was in no real state to work. I was using & drinking everyday but not to feel well, to feel nothing. Every time I tried to be productive something fucked up. I managed to lock myself out of the house I'm working on, I spent 2hrs searching for the missing keys in my dark flat because I'd had no electricity for 2days,I didn't think I'd used the emergency but I had, I even had a sparky come to check it out. then I realised I'd left a gas kettle on behind the locked door. The only thing I could do was break in & fix the lock the next day. I'd been staying there anyway, but only because I thought my electric was up the spout. The key turned out to be locked in the house itself, somehow I'd managed to lock the door with my own flat key.

It was about this time my computer started playing tricks. I got it to work a couple of times by fiddling about with it for what seemed like ages but it eventually gave up the ghost. NO COMPUTER this was just rubbing salt into the wounds. I've only had one for about 8months but it felt like I'd lost my right hand. I almost got into another fight over an  ipod of all things, I'd bought it without realising it might be locked. Luckily it just ended with me getting pushed down a flight of stairs, I most likely deserved it. I was acting completely out of character, an emotional wreck, I'm usually the most chilled person you could meet. I was aggressive 1minute, charming the next, I kept breaking into tears with all the emotional overloads, I was having conversations with people who weren't there, I was a wreck & people were starting to talk, my life's no secret but things were getting out of hand.

It was obviously the valium that was causing the problems but I think they were only bringing out what was already inside me. I have a few ideas but I need to do a little more thinking on those issues  before writing about them.

Shit it's nearly 1am. & I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I'm sorry I haven't finished the story but it's kind of ongoing anyway. And I will tell you about my friend mentioned in the title eventually.
So I'm afraid it's part3 tomorrow !

xx.Karl


                                                   

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

A Week from Hell & A lost Friend who's Embarked upon a very Dark & Twisted Path. part 1.

About 10 days ago things took a turn for the worse.
The first mistake was buying 120, ten ml..valiums for £40, they were cheap because they were from Dubai, I later found out they were going for 25pence each but I'm not going to begrudge someone making a tenner seeing as I easily made my money back plus a little bit on the side.  I sold about 70 of them which meant I  munched my way through 50 in roughly 3 days.
the 1st. night I was up in town scoring some gear but there was problems. The only person in  town that had anything is a bit of a nightmare and her bags are always tiny but we were desperate & went for it. When we rendezvoused she told me there was 5.1g for £40 take it or leave it, I took it. As I was walking up the lane I could feel bitty powdery stuff in my hand so I looked and discovered my hand covered in brown, she hadn't even wrapped it properly.This gear was supposed to be for 3 of us, so naturally I went chasing after her asking what the fuck she thought she was playing at ?  This didn't go down to well, I was met with a barrage of abuse, she must have called me every name under the sun & completely blamed me for her incompetence. It got so bad people were starting to look out of their windows. I of course didn't give a shit because I was completely valied up. What was worrying me was what I was going to tell the lads waiting for their gear. One of the lads didn't want anything to do with the gear as he was happy banging a few valies so I ended up sharing it with my brother, it turned out to be roughly a 0.3g & it was shit.
This was just the start of the madness. Day 2 started with 4 valies for breakfast washed down with a can of special brew (a large can of 9% lager) & I had a 1/2g hit for lunch.I then met up with someone else who also had a pocket full of valium who just kept giving me 2 or 3 at a time & like a fool I just kept swallowing them. Another 1/2g found its way into my possession so off we went to do it. I did my gear in one go & from the time the needle was taken from my neck the next thing I knew was waking up at home on my sofa with my jacket still on which amazingly still had 2oz's of hash in it. The following events are pieced together from fairly reliable sources; It was about 5o'clock when I had the 2nd hit, my lips had gone blue & things were not looking good. My mate managed to get me up & walk me around, he took me outside onto the highstreet to get some air.  The shops were just closing but I was completely oblivious to my surroundings. A taxi driver who must have known me took me home all but a 100 meters since the road to my flat is a bit dodgy for cars. I've not found out who this taxi driver is & I know I had no money for the fare, maybe he did it out of the kindness of his heart. I live right by a 16th century corn mill with a stream that powers the water wheel. I was spotted by an11yr boy staggering dangerously close to a 5meter drop into the stream. There's a 2ft fence at the top of the stream bank that I must have sat on & fell backwards. I was found lying on the ground with my feet in the air resting upon the fence. A few yards in either direction & I'd have fallen down the bank & ended up in the stream. The lad who'd seen me staggering about spotted my feet pointing towards the stars & went for help. Two good neighbours came to the rescue got me to my flat & deposited me upon the sofa where I woke up 10hrs later.
With absolutely no knowledge of the previous nights events I was somewhat dazed & confused. Though one thing I was sure about, I had to have some more of that gear. I arranged the meet, did the business & scampered off as quickly as my feet would carry me so I could get some more of that lovely gear inside me. I had made a point of asking if it was the same gear & received a positive reply. Well it turned out to be nothing of the sort, it had solidified in the works before the pin had even touched skin. I was absolutely fuming, so off I marched with my valium fuelled anger eager for confrontation. I knew exactly where to find him, stormed in & was promptly stopped in my tracks when 2 friends stood between us & attempted to diffuse the situation.I facebooked him that night telling him we needed to talk End result was me getting my money back & a promise of a sorter when something nice comes along.

This is not the end of the story but I'm tired & it's getting late, so if you want to find out how this all ends & about my friend who was like a brother to me,tune in tomorrow!

xxKarl

Friday, 6 January 2012

Roy


Before you press play be sure to have a cup of tea & a roll up at the ready


ps. the choon starts after about 2mins but I think his intro speaks volumes !


love em or hate em Roy has certainly got a point !

Exercising some Control...

Thursday, 5 January 2012

One day at a time

I scored last night but there's no point in crying about it now. The guy I scored off of got busted last month with  3/4 oz. He kept telling me he's had enough of life, that if he had a button to end it all and never come back he'd press it in a heartbeat but that's only because he hasn't got the balls to slit his wrists-his words not mine, and the gear certainly isn't strong enough to OD on. In Bristol when somebody started talking like that they'd be offered the money for a one way ticket to the suspension bridge. It's not nice when someone is wallowing in self pity but nobody forced him to sell smack, despite this I still felt a bit sorry for him. So as I left with my 1/2g of gear I told him "Don't do anything stupid, you know where I live, just call me if you need to"

So last night after a mere 3days I caved in and used.  Tonight I was back at square one. I know I'm safe now because I'm at home its 12:30 and there's no way I'm walking back into town at this hour. I've been into town once this evening already to go to a NA meeting. I've been to one once before about 10 yrs ago when I was living in Bristol and it wasn't my thing, nothings changed. I think I'll go again though because at least it was a change of scenery and a chance to talk out loud to people who aren't going to judge you. There was only 6 people there, three of which I vaguely knew and it was fairly cosy and informal. The people there were supportive,encouraging and friendly, however I did feel a bit of a fraud.

 NA are into complete abstinence and I'm not, at least not at the moment I'm not. They say all that matters is that you have a desire to be drug free. For me it's my drug of choice I want to be free of, I have no urge to stop smoking hash or to stop drinking either. I may have to re-evaluate this if smoking and drinking get out of hand, I'll just have to cross that bridge if and when, I suppose I'll have to talk to someone about it.

Right now I've done a day clean. Whether or not the NA meeting helped me achieve this, is unimportant. Tomorrow is another day  So bring it on and lets see what happens.

XX Karl

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Day Three

I spent new years eve in the pub on the pier dancing the night away with about 25 people, I only actually knew a couple of them, the rest were from London, all one family apparently. It was great, I haven't had a good dance for ages. I left the pub at about 4ish and texted my mate, " you up" ? I couldn't believe it when I got a reply because it meant I was gonna be able to finish the years festivities off with a final hit.
 Even though the gear is shit I think it must be the going through motions that is so important. How many people out there can honestly say that the gear at the moment is actually doing it for them?
IT'S A RITUAL
.The cooking up and hunting for the vein or the burning off of the foil & the making of the tube.
 I can count the amount of nods I had last year on one hand.
Good gear is supposed to make all the shit melt away.
Gear at the moment doesn't do much more than hold me. A half gram hit will just about hold me for the day. I've had more of a nod when I've double dosed my methadone.

ANYWAY
Gear is boring and I'm sick of it.
 If it wasn't boring nobody would want to give it up would they ?

Karl