Sunday, 27 May 2012

I Think I just saw the DS rolling into town !

Of course it could be in my imagination, but as they passed me by in their Land drover & marked car I swear they were checking me,checking them, checking me. Its a good job I found those 30 v's I'd thought I'd lost a couple of weeks ago, I've been searching all over for them & then there they are, right under my nose as usual & now I'm wondering what to do with them because I don't want to take them unless I really have to & the longer they're within my reach the more reasons I'm gonna come up with to take them.
 It's difficult enough at the moment with the gear being so unusually strong, the last couple of weeks have seen me use 4times & each time I've been completely smashed. The 1st time caught me by surprise, pleasant surprise, but each time after that a kind of realisation has been taking place, as pleasant as it may seem, I think I'm starting to get bored of it. If this is the case I'm glad, because it'll make my goals so much easier to obtain, but I know I've been here before.
So I'm keeping it simple tonight, I've had a fucker of a week & I've been working most of today as well & all I want to do is curl up with my book & read till I sleep.


Sunday, 20 May 2012

No ones Slave No ones Master !

Yeah it's hippy shit man & I fucking love it !
NEWSFLASH !   The actual decorating has actually resumed. After a few hours of good purging this morning I have got stuck back into the decorating. Whilst doing so the old man (dad ) turned up with a 100 duty free cigs & a plate of food, sometimes I really do feel blessed. Especially after him seeing me last night when I was so utterly fucked. I think my parents blame themselves a bit for the way things have turned out, this is something I really must sort out, because of course they're not to blame not one little iota !
 Why Oh why does life seem so completely complicated when it should really be so simple ? Shit there I go again, asking myself questions that have no proper answers. That's enough for today, it's time to relax with that book I've been meaning to pick up for the last couple of weeks & have my cup of beer, I wonder if I'll drink both cans or save one for the morning to motivate me off to work, yet another unanswerable question !
Goodnight... Karl

More purging & yet another resolution.

In writing a reply to bugerlugs' comment to my last post I have inadvertently written another piece to this puzzle, it also tells of what happened to L after we had gone our separate ways.
 When I eventually found out what had been going on I was afraid of what I would do to the bloke if I ever ran into him. he turned out to be a real bastard, he was clever enough to hit her where she wouldn't bruise or where it wouldn't show. Like I said L was a strong woman, not strong in the physical sense she was only 5' 2" with a very slight build. Her degree was in Woman's studies for fucks sake. I once asked her how she had managed to let things get to the extent they did, she never hesitated when she told me that she had loved him & as we all know love can make you do strange things. She had fallen into the cliche battered woman syndrome, but thank goodness her strength shone through in the end & she ran from it as hard as she could. Someone told me that she had admitted being with him was the biggest mistake in her life.
I never found out this guys surname or if I did I've forgotten it. I am a peaceful person but I'll say this now.
" Marc if you're still out there & I ever run into you, you are gonna get one mighty punch, only one because that's all it's gonna take". I'm sorry to say this would be for my satisfaction, but it will also be for L & the children, especially his daughter who will always wonder what happened to her father but has to be reminded by her sisters that she was frightened of him. They were all frightened of him, I can remember the children complaining that they didn't want to live with him anymore when they would be going home from a visit but I just put this down to them having a good time with me & my family.
I suspect that it was down to my habit that I missed what was going on in London but I was living in Bristol & didn't have that much communication with L. I did try moving there a couple of times & looking for work, I even stayed clean for 2 months the longest clean period I've had without a script & got a couple of jobs but that was in the early years of my habit before I ever had a script.
Yesterday I took a big hit of gear & I was fucked, really properly fucked, this is the 1st time I have felt so fucked from gear since the drought. This is what I've been dreading for some time now, I knew the quality would return one day. I've been using on & off  for the last few months, but this is it now so I'm going to say it again.
 "Things have got to change" .
 " Things must change " .
 Change = Life, without it we die !!

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Trying to work it all out.

The following series of posts are concerned with me & what went on in my life for it to turn into what it has, I maybe working over old ground here but this is what I think maybe useful to me right now !
Certain events in my life recently have alarmed me & given me a lot too think about. I have been on the verge of declaring that I want to go into rehab, but I have always resisted this because I would like to think I am strong enough to do this on my own. I've been forced to go over old ground in my head which is sometimes painful but I need to work out where my self destructive behaviour is coming from.
I think that 30yrs of substance abuse has affected me one way or another, maybe even damaged me in some way mentally. I used to think taking mind altering drugs would bring me answers, kind of like a short cut to Nirvana, I know now that I was badly mistaken & completely naive, but I was young & foolhardy, I must have taken trip after trip after trip, LSD & mushrooms 100's I lost count by the time I was 18. I tried other things as well datura (jimson weed) & DMT I couldn't get enough.
I always had a natural inclination to philosophy etc. always been looking for answers to the BIG questions, the sort of questions people have been asking since the dawn of time, questions that are unanswerable (I think therefore I am) that sort of thing.
Anyway I was 24 when I 1st. went to college, we had a year old baby & one on the way. We moved from London to Snowdonia. London was my partners home town so we were basically moving a long way away from her family & friends, which I have since realised must have been really difficult for her, but I knew where I was going I'd been there before. My father had also studied at Harlech, I was very young at the time but I went to school there for two years & had very vivid memories. I'll never forget taking the baby out for the 1st time & seeing her face when she saw the castle & the mountains. I loved it, every minute of it, I was completely absorbed in my studies, the 1st lesson I learnt was that I knew nothing, or what I did know was not a lot & what I didn't was huge, I couldn't get enough I even enjoyed writing essays.
My partner I'll call her L had been to uni before I met her, she was happy for me but after the 2nd baby was born she found it really hard being away from her support networks, it took me a while to notice, I regret this now but I was just so engrossed in my studies I didn't realise how much she was suffering, years later she told me she had even considered ending it all, she'd stood looking over a cliff for a very long time. I think she must have been suffering from  the depression that some mothers get after giving birth ( I can't remember its proper name). I can't believe I didn't recognise it, I'd seen it before in friends, I have apologised to her for this many years ago but when I think about it, it is something that weighs heavy on my heart. I passed my diploma with flying colours & we went to Cardiff where I had been accepted on a philosophy course. Between Harlech & Cardiff we spent a couple of months in Bristol where I'll never forget meeting an old friend in my old local pub.I told her I'd eventually found what I wanted to do. She said to me" Karl don't do it, it will fuck your head up" she was wiser than her years & must have sensed something in me that I had not realised myself. She was right of course, my head was continually spinning with Q's & A's I was completely oblivious to what was going on around me & the drugs didn't help they made things worse & more chaotic.
We had both been taking heroin occasionally for about 5years. I was doing hash runs to Bristol to make extra money but would always end up scoring gear while I was there, sometimes secretly. I didn't see what was coming L was falling for someone else, our relationship was falling apart, she was drinking more & more I was taking gear more & more, by the time I realised what was going on it was too late, I took more drugs & got angry, we started to argue a lot & eventually she asked me to leave, I left uni & returned to Bristol where I found refuge in heroin, this is when I became the addict I am today which I'm trying so desperately hard not to be.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

L's & R's

Lapses & Relapses ! Yes I've done it again, I just hope it doesn't go so far this time & cause as much damage, psychological damage that is. Gear has been consumed most days costing £40-50 , had a couple of amphet binges taking an eighth of an ounce over an evening not once but twice, drinking as much as i think I can get away with without attracting too much attention, I wont go into exactly how much, but I think I'm starting to border on alcoholism (scary), I've been chomping on those dodgy Thailand(or wherever they're from) valium 10's like there going out of fashion, I'm not even gonna mention hash, even though I just did, because that just goes without saying, it's my daily bread.
Anyway as you've probably guessed life has started to spiral again but something happened today which made me take a step back & take stock.
Along comes lunchtime & I think to myself "this job is fucking dire" I was hacking modern paint off of an old lime rendered cottage, Don't worry I'm not going to get into the the technical side of why this has to be done.
"I know " Ithink to myself" lets get a 1/2g that'll make the day somewhat brighter." So I phoned up my brother & offered to lend him a tenner for a bag if he picked me up a half. Well that wasn't a very nice thing for me to do in the 1st. place because he is also a struggling, recovering addict so maybe I deserve what happened next.
While I got my weeks meth from the chemist & yet another exchange that I said I wasn't gonna do, he popped off to score. We get back to my flat, he gave me my half, I held it in my hand, there's no imagination going on here & then I put it down whist I readied my kit, went to pick up the gear & it was nowhere to be seen. My brother was already smoking his & I have complete confidence that he had nothing to do with it's whereabouts. As any addict can imagine I was, shouting, cursing & fucking fuming ! The minutes were ticking away as I frantically searched for my probably not even worth piercing the skin for shite, I was already late back from lunch & even after hammering a wall for hours my veins are still bastards to find. My brother then said" see ya I've got to go now, thanks for that", shit I had to hold my tongue. I went back to work without my hit ! Need I even say I was in an absolutely foul mood.
Well, that was at lunchtime it's now " oh my god 2o'clock" & Ive calmed down considerably, I'm not even looking for it,I'm bloody writing about it for fucks sake. I realised now, things were getting out of hand, again! I know it's here somewhere & I don't really want to find it not at the moment anyway .Though I do know one thing for sure, when I do eventually find it my head's gonna hit the ceiling when I jump for joy !
Well I've had too many late nights recently so I'm off to bed.

To anyone reading Goodnight  X

Ps please let it rain tomorrow so I don't have to go to work, & fill all the reseviours of course