Friday, 29 June 2012

On yer bike !

When I woke up this morning I realised that heroin wasn't on my mind, of course then it was all I could think about. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd done any, so I thought about it and worked it out to be Monday evening. Wow, this is good ! Maybe I should be jumping for joy, I haven't even been thinking about heroin lately, it used to be on my mind every minute of every day.

I'm hoping this change in my thinking is more than just temporary unlike the events that have brought it about. Instead of worrying about where my next hit is gonna come from I'm more concerned about  my next meal, a few more £'s for the electricity metre, the water bill, council tax, etc. etc.

The way I see it I have 2 choices. Start banging on doors & be prepared to do absolutely anything or sign on, or both. Signing on is pretty much a job in itself these days & I don't really want to go down that road but it's getting to the stage where I don't see much choice in the matter.

I know I'm not the only person who's struggling, times are hard, I'm sick of this damned recession, sick of thinking about it, hearing about it & sick of feeling it.

Well that's my day sorted then, after scavaging around in the back of the freezer to find some breakfast I'm putting on my coat, getting on my bike & I'm off to seek my fortune.

LLLOL

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Good Thoughts Bad thoughts

One days work left & no new job to go on to. Maybe I should get a haircut & apply to tescoes.
I'm sick of playing catch up, every time I get my head above water it sinks back down again whilst I'm waiting for the next job to come along. My life has become unsustainable & I'm getting further & further into debt.
I love living where I am now, next to the sea, surrounded by rolling green hills but one of the only options I can think of at the moment is moving back to the city & working in some shitty factory or warehouse & I know exactly where that will lead me.
I think I'll just wait & see what tomorrow has in stall.

Saturday, 16 June 2012

One week later

It all went wrong on Wednesday, & then Thursday, 2 wk's & I just couldn't help myself. To be honest I think I backed myself into a corner & gave myself very little choice. I had a couple of migraine attacks & used my methadone to get some relief, 2 days worth, none of the 'over the counter' painkillers have any effect, I've even had  migraines develop shortly after taking a hit. Usually I can buy some extra meth if I need to but this week all I managed to get hold of was a days worth of physeptone tablets, but by the time I got hold of them my mind had been made up, & once that's happened there's very little chance changing it, not when gears involved.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my key worker with whom I'm about 90% honest with. She was happy about me not using for 2weeks & pleased to see me smiling for a change even though I couldn't produce a clean sample. I did a test anyway & to my disappointment it came up positive for benzoes as well as gear & I haven't used benzoes for over a month. She didn't seem to bothered about the benzoes, apparently everyone has been testing positive for them recently, there's a very strong chance it's in the gear.
The subject of my methadone being increased came up again. My first reaction to this was no way. What's the point in that, it's only gonna give me more to come off of at the end of the day. Her reasoning was that because I'm continually going round in circles, constantly lapsing, a different approach might be helpful & the more I think about this the more I'm inclined to agree. Maybe more methadone is a step in the right direction if it stops me using on such a regular basis, I can handle life on methadone, I can live normally & productively, I don't buy into all the scaremongering that surrounds it, I've come off of methadone many times, it's HEROIN I've never been able to emancipate myself from ! I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet though one thing I know for sure, things cannot carry on the way they are. Plus, I really do need to find a way of managing these migraines.   

Saturday, 9 June 2012

I'm not usually into covers but this is one of the best by some of the best.
 My love of music began with The Clash.

"I can't keep giving my life away".      Joe Strummer    RIP.

I'm guessing that what I need to do is accept the mess I've made of my life, stop tinkering with it, move on & change. Sounds easy but then saying something usually is.
I've had mild panic attacks the past 2nights, I've been pacing the flat with feelings of dread & foreboding flowing through me. Luckily I've managed to talk myself calm & not done anything I might regret. I know that the lack of opiates probablyly play a part in this but I think there's also a lot of factors that I don't have any control over.
I was supposed to be going on a pub outing today, I'd paid my coach fare in advance but because I've had no work this week due to the jubifuckinglee & then the shit weather, I have no money. The only good thing about having no money is that I can't buy gear but then if I wanted to go down that road I'm sure I'd find a way. It's a good job my chemist trusts me & will give me my meth for the week on tick. I'm probably the only person in this whole town that pays for it anyway !
So today I'm gonna try & be as positive as I can, I'm gonna finish painting the big window in my living room & then take the coastal route into town to pick up my meth so I can absorb some of the beauty that surrounds me. My primary concern is that I can get through this rut without using. Breakfast will probably be a good start so I'm off to buy some duck eggs which I'm gonna scramble.

Have a good weekend.      Karl X

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Onwards

Dinner's in the oven, the last pages of my latest trilogy of escapism have been turned, 2 beers on the shelf, & tomorrow I start a new job, weather permitting.
I've had a whole 4days off, I should have been decorating my own flat but it's the last thing I want to do after spending all day nearly everyday decorating some one Else's. Never mind, it will get done eventually,the important thing is that I got through the weekend & the bank holidays without using. I felt like scoring a few times but I hhaven't really missed it.    
And Lo & Behold, something good happened, it was only a small thing but it was like a little light shining upon my day. The last few weeks have brought nothing but worries, stress & final demands. I was starting to get a bit despondent because instead of improving, my life seemed to be getting steadily worse. I know it's early days but emotions can run high when opiates are removed from the equation.

So my faith has been restored & I will continue along this path & see where it leads to next !

Goodnight     Karl  x

Monday, 4 June 2012

The Tenth Planet

Have you ever read anything and thought that's exactly what I think but have never before been able to put it into words?  Well I have, many times, it doesn't always turn out to be true of course but here is my most recent !

Turn up the volume & open your heart !

Have you ever wondered why in all of creation in the entire galaxy, the universe & beyond 6 billion plus human beings just happen to find themselves living together on one incredibly beautiful planet ?

We are one planet,
one home,
one race-
the human race.

Energised & nurtured by the sun whose rays illuminate the whole world & paint our skies with an awesome display of colours.
Our sun provides energy & power beyond measure, & reflects the power & beauty within each of us.

We have unlimited potential to contribute in creative & inspiring ways, & to share a deeper understanding that we are all one in this together.
As we conquer our fears & climb to higher levels of compassion & acceptance, & recognise the unique expression & contribution of each blessed soul on this earth, we unify as one people, one race & one heart & work together to honour & preserve our wonderous home.

Let's soar to our highest potential with integrity always for the highest good for all.

May we restore our faith that love is always the path to healing.

Each & every one of us can make a difference to the whole outcome by knowing the light will always prevail.

Are you ready to make a difference !

You can change the world !

Be the change you want to see in the world.

The time is Now !


This is where I found these words..... Enjoy X


Sunday, 3 June 2012

Epoch Calypso

I love this tune, so turn it up & lets dance !

Hmmmmm.

Yesterday I did something I haven't done for at least a few years. I wore a T shirt in public ! My arms aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, on close inspection the damage is glaringly obvious & anyone in the know would see that a mile off. There's not a single vein on the surface of my arms, just faint lines where they used to be. The same goes for my legs, but they've been battered more recently so I'm still waiting for the day I'm able to wear shorts. To be honest I'm amazed I can still manage to get a hit when I attempt it , OK there has been occasions where it's taken a painstaking & bloody 2-3hrs. I smoked it for the first 3-4 yrs thinking I would never go down that path but I think eventually it became inevitable.
I've managed to resist using the femoral vein, better known as the groin, I think this has been a saving grace, I've seen so many people go down this route & the consequences have cost them dearly sometimes ultimately. I have however used my neck on & off over the years which I imagine seems abhorrent to most people. I never do it myself because it would mean going against the blood flow, which damages the vein, always someone I trust, never more than twice a day & gaps of a few months between batterings. People still hit it 1st time after 10yrs plus.    Not nice I know !   It's myself I'm trying to convince here no one else.

 I'm sure that it's because I've always managed to hold down a job, nearly always a physically demanding job & have always eaten well that I've stayed as healthy as I have done, compared to other junkies my age who've had similar journeys, well, there aren't that many of them about, the ones that are, are either on permanent sick or clean & some of the ones who are clean are on permanent sick, if there is still such a thing ?

I'm on the fourth day of not using, I'm not into counting days just in case a certain no. of days gives me cause to celebrate, so I wont mention the no. of days again, it's just that I consider the first few days important, they are the 1st hurdle that can often be the most difficult. Though in reality I think they are just foothills compared to the mountains I have left to climb.

I've managed to get through these days by returning to an old refuge of mine. I've had work during the day but it's all too easy to slip off for a little while & "get myself sorted" but I' ve managed to avoid that. I find my refuge in reading, I bury myself in a set of books so deep that I rarely resurface until I've read the last page. Its almost as if the book itself has become a drug, it must be part of my obsessive self destructing behaviour which I so badly need to sort out.


Friday, 1 June 2012

Shit it's so damn hot ! 
Had to take the day off work today, I had a skittles match last night & stayed far later than I intended to, the beer took its revenge on me this morning & I was in no fit state to tackle the ladder which I've been on top of for the last 2weeks. So I've been reading & dozing all day long as if I didn't have a problem in the world, I suspect the double dose of methadone I took this morning had a large part to play in this. This week has been a one of weakness, everyday seemed to bring me into touch with gear & I just didn't have the strength to turn away. So much for being bored of it, I had a suspicion that that path was going to be a dead end. One of my first fascinations with gear was that it's practically impossible to be bored of, especially whilst on it. It's the consequences & repercussions I'm bored of.
The first time I took heroin I was 21, on a campsite in Holland, it feels like a lifetime ago now, one things for sure, back then I didn't have a worry in the world, or the worries I did have seem very insignificant  now. That was the first time I took gear but I'd fallen in love with opiates years before that fateful summer. Good old DF 118's. I was around thirteen / fourteen when they came into my life, along with sleepers, tranquilisers & pretty much anything else I found lurking in medicine cabinets. I was on a mission to try everything & pretty much anything, young & fearless, fuck knows how I've managed to stay alive so long !

Its Friday night & I've made it through 2 days of not using (my god, that sounds pathetic, oh well I suppose I have been !)
Tomorrow is a brand new day! Tomorrow is a fresh new adventure ! Tomorrow is change - without it we die !    Karl   X          Goodnight 

Tomorrow I have to go to fucking work LOL !