Sunday, 30 September 2012

Another lost day (the morning after)

Maybe it was a bad idea right from the start. I went to visit a friend who had been 4months clean. He had been in hospital & very luckily he didn't lose his left leg. Anyway I feel like a piece of shit, 2 bottles of vodka, 1/2g of gear and don't ask me how many valium. Oh and high grade  skunk of  course

I'm trying so hard, but obviously not hard enough !

The Ist thing i did when I got out of bed this morning was put the kettle on, the 2nd thing I did was down 3/4 quarters of a pint of vdka & orange. The coffee was to wash down 30ml of valiuim.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

One lost Day

Today has been a very strange day ! I don't have very much recollection of it because a large part of it was spent asleep, for which I am  truly gratefull. Last Friday I had a small lapse, I smoked a bag followed by the injection of two further bags. I didn't feel  anything much from the gear apart from the aleviation of the horrendous migraine I was suffering from at the time. However I believe the the lapse was the result of the ongoing turmoil that has been spinning around in my head for the last 2months or so which I believe has also been causing of the migraines.
Anyway back to today; I got out of bed at about 8:00am breakfasted on bacon and egg and toasted some bread baked from my newly acquired bread making machine. With breakfast out of the way and what I thought a long day ahead of me I strolled down to the bargain booze which is  roughly 2mins walk from my door and the young woman refused to serve me which was strange because it was only nine o'clock and I hadn't yet had a drop to drink, the only thing it could be was the valium I'd purchased yesterday I'd taken a few knew because my head was splitting with pain. After having been refused and hurling some abuse along the lines of "I'm never coming in this fucking shop again because I've been in far worse states than this and you've served me" I walked down to the beach for a slice of solice. After taking in a few minutes of tranquility from the beach I started homeward but could not resist calling into one of the pubs on my journey home. I was welcomed in and served, however a few minutes later the landlady came up to me a and said  " If you want to sleep Karl I suggest you go home " Not wanting to cause more than one scene in such a short space of time I simply downed my drink and left.
I arrived home and the next thing I can remember was my father calling my name, it sounded like he was in the flat, he claimed he'd been trying to ring me but couldn't get an answer. Anyway, he left and the next thing I know it's just gone midnight, so it would seem I've spent the whole day in bed.
Yesterday I purchased 50 10ml valiums,   I bought them for two different reasons, 1) migraine relief.     2) I'm attempting to stop drinking because it's getting out of control. I'll often drink in the morning before going to work but quite often  that's the only  drink I'll have all day, I know that's no excuse but it's become a habit I'm finding difficult to break.
 When I  woke up a couple of hours ago I haven't been able to find my valium, there's got to be about 30 of them, I really hope I haven't swallowed them all though I think I'd know about it by now if I had. I've been having difficulties writing things down recently my head because has been all over the place. Not doing gear certainly has improved my life and shown me pathways beyond my imagination but there are also dark avenues that need to be trodden and overcome, my path seems to be turning into a bit of a minefield.

Monday, 10 September 2012

It was never going to be simple.

Life is becoming a drag, I'm bored, frustrated & alone, of course it's all down to me I'm here and it's up to me to do something about it.

Last week I swallowed 28 df 's (30ml codeine tablets). I didn't feel anything from them, they didn't even make me itch. The only thing I felt was disappointment.
The work I've been doing down on the harbour is coming to an end so it's high time I gave myself a sharp kick up the ass. I need a new path to follow, I need a change, if I'm not careful I can see myself heading for another crash. I always knew that giving up the gear would be the easy part, life is where I always seem to fail.

My Brother has left town, he hasn't gone far but he's now living in some kind of dry house. He got into it through NA. He got himself clean for a few days which was the basic requirement for entry and apparently he can stay there for up to 2years, Good luck to him but as usual he's left his mess for some one else to tidy up.

Last time I went to Bristol my plan was to buy a load of gear, bring it back here and make some money. Needless to say that plan was doomed before I even got on the train but I've got a new reason to go there now. My eldest daughter has flown the nest and moved to the big city to find work. I've got a friend living in the same area she's moved to so a visit real soon is on the cards. Plus I could really do with a good night out to blow away the cobwebs that I've been collecting.

Today brings me into my 12th week of not using gear, I'm not counting the df's because they're nothing more than head ache tablets at the end of the day, though my motives for taking them was a bit dubious. I'm beginning to think that it's not just my drug abuse that needs to be addressed, it's my whole way of life that needs dismantling and rebuilding. Addressing the drugs issue is just for starters.

No one said this was going to be easy but it's only just beginning to dawn on me how much work there is that has to be done.