Wednesday, 24 October 2012

LOVE & RESPECT

It's Wednesday evening but the weekend is still racing through my head, I spent time alone with my Grand Daughter Rowan for the first time & it was absolutely amazing ! She is one of the cheeriest souls I have ever met, I am so proud of my daughter, they are both amazing ! My Daughter was pregnant a few months after her 15th birthday and by the time she let us know there was no going back. A few family members were convinced she had ruined her life and wasted her youth, people muttered that it wasn't quite too late to get a termination, but if they had known her properly they would have known there was absolutely no way she was going to go down that route and I have not the slightest doubt that Rowan is a blessing. Not once over the weekend did I hear her cry or scream, no tantrums, no tears, no stress what so ever, she was a complete pleasure to be with, the world can only be a better place with her in it.
Eswen (my daughter) is a single parent, she has a very strong support network, but what she has achieved fills me with the deepest respect. She transformed practically overnight from a party going teenage girl into a fully fledged mother filled to the brim with maternal love.

I feel priveliged to have these people in my life and even more priveliged to know that they want me in their lives. I know I've got shed loads of shite to sort through  but seeing Baby Rowans smile beaming at me was like seeing my first sun rise or set, so pure and precious, so magical, so beautiful.

KEEP THE FAITH XXXX






Thursday, 18 October 2012

Good Morning

I'm working on a roof today, it's7:30 Thursday morning & I'm on my 2nd coffee. Work has started to drift back in. By now I'd be impatiently waiting that last half hour before the garage would sell me my high strengh liquid breakfast, though if I had resisted the extra one I'd bought the night before, I'd already be supping my 1st. by now.  I knew I'd let it get out of control it's been going on for ages, I'm not quite sure how I've gotten away with it, but then again I haven't have I, I am my own victim and it certainly hasn't gone completely unnoticed. I suppose I was replacing the gear but even when I was using there was only a small decrease. I've managed to restrict it till after work,and usually only a couple of pints.
I managed to avoid gear last night but only just. I'm getting back on track with that, it's been a real struggle recently, I really need to get back to where I was with it, I was so much happier.
My alarm has just told me it's 8o'clock work is calling.

Monday, 15 October 2012

IT IS WHAT IT IS !

Shit ! that must be the 8th cup of coffee I've had today if I don't get over that pub soon my heads gonna explode, I've been staring at a pile of paper the size of a mountain all day I can't even see the coffee table,( 3yrs of 'accounts' & god knows what else )  I've made a start that's all that matters, things are going to change. I've given up high strength lager for breakfast, and didn't have a drink yesterday either, come to think about it I haven't gone this long without a drink for a long time, but I am definitely in need a couple of pints before I tackle that lot. It's getting close to that time of year where I have to declare my earnings for last year, I haven't got a clue what I've earned this year let alone last year so I thought I'd make an early start this year.
 I've been struggling with the gear, it's been a daily battle since my trip to Bristol & I've lost it a couple of times over the last week. Anyway ! I've done the washing up, Ive hoovered, I've had a nap, I've even considered re-starting the decorating.
 BUT NO !
Ive started the paperwork now, that over sized carrier bag from the back of the cupboard has been unceremoniously emptied in the middle of my living room. Things are about to change, straight after I've had a couple of pints
I met a friend in town yesterday & he gave me a piece of advice that I've taken to heart,
"Never be afraid of a letter coming though the door" ( although I think opening them might be a good idea )
Life is, unfortunately what it is !

And no more day time drinking !! (well maybe on the weekend)

Thursday, 11 October 2012

It's about Time I started to take my own Advice !

Well here I am again back at Day one well day two actually, but to hell with that, the number of days I am clean mean nothing. I've been stumbling through life for years now, sometimes happy sometimes not, heroin never made any difference I just couldn't tell the difference when I was on it. The last few months have been a very intense mixture of opposite emotions. I've been "walking the line" I'd been heroin free for nearly 4months sometimes blissfully & sometimes miserably. But my life was starting to change, I had money in my pocket, everyone was telling me well how well I looked & I actually felt a sense of freedom, and that's something I haven't felt for years (unless it was a night of trance fuelled by copious amounts of MDMA) I felt a litlle less trapped.

In creating this sense of new found freedom I have inadvertently perched myself upon a double edged sword, a dilemma, my head is spinning with what ifs.

DO I SETTLE DOWN & CONTINUE BUILDING A LIFE FOR MYSELF IN THIS TOWN I'VE COME TO LOVE ?  OR  DO I DO WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DONE, RUN AWAY ?

( I've just bought bought a bread maker for fucks sake my subconscience must be telling me something)

I've had enough of running, I want a life of not looking over my shoulder, but getting clean has brought back many demons. I've been trying to write this shit down for weeks now, I've got dozens of drafts & I've been talking to myself (often aloud) for weeks. Well I've started now & am starting to feel a bit better, I'm not even bothered about last weekends hell anymore.

THE DECISION HAS TO BE MADE !  I NEED TO GROW UP . I NEED A FUTURE !

PURPOSE ! I NEED TO BE !

I've taken another quick trip around that same old circle in my life, it's time to try another one,  I think whatever path I choose is going to bring me pain but that's inevitable because without pain there's no joy.

HEROIN ISN'T THE PROBLEM I AM !

Work is calling so I guess it's time to go & live a little ?

Monday, 8 October 2012

A few questions

Does everything in life happen for a reason ?
Does our journey in life reflect the lessons we need to learn ?
Why are the things in life we least want to do always the things we need to do most of all ?
If God is omnipotent how can there be such a thing as free will ?
Is being an addict part of Gods plan ?
Does God have a plan or is life one long party ?
Why is there so much evil and inequality in the world (especially if we're made in Gods image) ?
How come the western world live in decadence whilst half the world die of starvation and disease ?
Why do a handful of people control the worlds wealth and resources ?
Does anyone really care or are they only out for themselves and their immediate family (blood or chosen) with a little do-gooding on the side to ease their conscience ?
Are addicts addicts to escape the bullshit or are they just plain selfish ?

Answers on a postcard please !


I wrote this post back in July, I don't know why I didn't post it then ? I guess I just wanted to be a little positive.

Shit Happens

If I could erase the last 2 weeks of my life then I would do it in a heartbeat. Sooner or later it had to happen, average(ish) gear, which is about 20 times better than the shit that's been passed off as gear for the last 2years has arrived on these shores. It hasn't arrived in Devon, well not where I live any way, I discovered it in Bristol where I've been for the last 3days.

Last week somebody stole my weeks worth of  methadone, I couldn't report it & get it replaced because the clinic would most likely say I couldn't be trusted & put me on daily supervised consumption which would mean daily trips to the chemist being ushered into the private room where everyone knows what goes on & I live in a fairly small town. I managed to buy some replacement but had to make up the difference with gear which was shite & cost me a lot of money.  £15's worth of this gear in Bristol had the same effect of doing £60's worth in Devon.

I went to Bristol this weekend to visit my daughter plus I had been invited to a couple of parties. As I was travelling on the train through the town my daughter used to live with her mother & sisters I got a text from her saying she was there visiting Mum & mates. I'd got myself so worked up about seeing her I was nervous & anxious because I hadn't seen her for a while so when I learnt she wasn't going to be there I spent the whole weekend & monday getting completely fucked in the worst possible way & have undone nearly 4months of hard work. To say I'm pissed off would be the understatement of the year. I was that pissed off I didn't even make it to the parties.