Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Should I stay or should I go ?

Give it all up, jump out of the frying pan into the fire and move on ! It's time to get out of 'dodge', that's the plan. I'm barely existing at the moment, life is drifting by, the days are merging together, the weeks are flying past. If I carry on like this then before I know it summer will be gone and I'll be facing another winter, asking myself the same questions, letting life pass me by.

I've lulled myself into a safe meagre existence, I preferred the chaos of junkiedom, at least it gave me a purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning, a hunger to satisfy.
A wise man once said to me,
" Life is the sum total of your experiences, if you have no experiences then you have no life !"
Life keeps going around the same circle, revolving instead of evolving, repeating the same mistakes over and over, I see this clearly, it's safe, it's comfortable, and so so predictable.

It's time to break the cycle, forge a new path, and rediscover the joy of life, but to do this I need to shed this life and search out a new one, sooner rather than later !

Thursday, 10 January 2013


The subject of enabling
 I made a rash comment on somebodies blog last night which I hadn't completely thought through and suffered the loss of several hours sleep.

"Summer I am sorry, I should never have questioned either your compassion or your love, I had no right"
I also said I'd write about this subject so here goes.

There's a lot of talk about enabling on the blogs of parents of addicts and I have found the subject fascinating, it has opened my eyes and forced me to look at my own behaviour both past and present, as an addict with parents, and also as a parent. It seems most parents struggle with the concept of enabling and more often than not they eventually come to the conclusion that all enabling is wrong. I disagree with this blanket conclusion that all enabling is wrong, indeed in some cases it could well be wrong and untenable but in some cases I would say it's wrong not to enable. What about the cases where the harm of not enabling far outweighs the harm of enabling. Not every problem has a good solution !

There are many families that have been destroyed by drugs, parents disown children, relatives don't speak, children never meet their Grandparent etc. and then before they know it, there's a funeral and any hope of conciliation is gone for ever. Without family support and love an addicts life can rapidly spiral out of control resulting in any number of scenarios, here's a few; 

a) The addict hits their rock bottom,. sees the light, reforms and lives happily ever after. Therefore justifying the families disassociation and proving that 'tough love' can work.

b) A classic scenario for female addicts is prostitution which often entails dealing with the dregs of society, this can inevitably lead to rape, abuse, disease, murder, etc. which leads to heavier drug use, normalisation of low morals, criminal prosecution, low life expectancy, etc. I wouldn't want this for any daughter of mine and I would do any enabling possible to avoid it, but then again if I tried everything I could and she still went down that road, I would at least provide food & shelter if I could.

c) For male and female addicts who cannot for whatever reason hold down a job crime is a classic scenario. Dealing, theft, fraud, begging, mugging, robbery, living off immoral earnings, the list is endless and jail is almost always inevitably the result. For many parents of addicts jail time is a welcome relief, a time when they can sleep soundly not having to worry about their loved ones being in harms way and having no or very little access to drugs. That may well be the case and just maybe jail time will allow them to see the error of their ways and inspire reform; Therefore once again justifying their families disassociation and everyone can live happily ever after. Unfortunately this is rarely the case. Prison is viewed by many as the university of criminality, a place to get a bit of clean time, get fit, learn more efficient ways of breaking the law, make new contacts, in essence become a better criminal. It could go either way.

d) An addict cut off from all support networks can easily fall into a deep depression and become suicidal.

I realise that my own experience is exceptional, I have managed to hold down a job throughout my addiction therefore I've not fallen into a life of crime and placed myself and my loved ones in any significant danger. This is not the case for many addicts and I can sympathise with parents who live in constant fear of becoming victims of their very own flesh and blood.

I believe there is no absolute right or wrong answers to this problem and each case has to be measured individually. There are no easy solutions and no solution is going to be perfect because we don't live in a perfect world.. I've only really scratched the surface here but I hope I've given people something to think about. I haven't even mentioned the problems that arise from legislation and the resulting prejudices.

May Love, Compassion, Understanding, and Forgiveness be our guide.

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

A Smile to Die For: Stop being who you were & become who you are !

Today as I was doing the second half of the washing up that has been stagnating in my kitchen for the last 2weeks I realised that I had read something very important just an hour earlier.

For the last past couple of months I've been suffering from some kind of depression, I've been feeling lost, pathetic and unworthy of the 'priveliged' life I lead, I felt I had dug myself so deep into a hole that I really had nothing to lose if somebody came along and buried me in it. I'd drink every few days to get drunk and I'd use heroin when I could afford to, which would be about once a week. Two days before Factory Friday I got blind drunk and then  I scored, to my utter surprise I got my hit first jab. 2hrs later I found myself shouting and screaming in my toilet, it took me a few minutes to realise what I was doing and where I was and then another minute or two to calm  myself down and stop myself from shouting, my throat was hurting so I must have been shouting for some time. The last time I had a psychotic episode like this was 4yrs ago and it was isolated, before that it was when I was living in Bridgwater when I'd been using heavily both heroin and speed. I was shocked, ashamed and really wanting someone to just come along and bury me in that hole I'd dug for myself . Luckily there were no repercussions from this episode, the last time my neighbours called the police on me.

I managed to drag myself through Christmas with a smile on my face,  it wasn't too difficult because it was just me and my parents having dinner and as I didn't have any drugs to take I was not doing head dives into my plate of food, I couldn't even drink because I was rapidly coming down with a bug. Boxing day was spent with my children's mothers parents, it was great to see the kids and the grand daughter but by this time I was so full of cold my head wanted to explode and every muscle in my body wanted to collapse, but if I hadn't been there everyone would have been thinking the worst, and why wouldn't they, it's not even as though they would've been wrong, but I was there and I was sober, and I would do anything to see the smile on that baby's face.

After boxing day I laid ill upon the sofa wrapped up in a duvet. The bug had progressed to my chest and just as I'd predicted developed into a chest infection for which I've been on antibiotics for the last few days. I've been doing a lot of reading over the last couple of weeks and I've been taught some important lessons, now I need to learn them.

Here is the passage that has helped to lift me out of depression:

"That is why it is important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride,inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. STOP BEING WHO YOU WERE AND BECOME WHO YOU ARE."  
 Paulo Coelho, The Zahir.


A smile to die for.