Saturday, 30 March 2013

A few thoughts on a Saturday morning

I've had some disappointments recently and instead of moving on I've tended to dwell on them which has only succeeded in filling me with frustration and misdirected anger. Except when I was a student and for a few brief periods I've always been employed or self employed Even when my habit was full on I always managed to hold on to a job of some kind. I remember a friend telling me once,
" Karl you need a certain amount of discipline to maintain a healthy habit "
I was successfully exercising this discipline without realising it. Without employment the life of an addict can very quickly fall into chaos. I watched in horror as my friends and associates got involved with dealing, prostitution and crime, some came through it, some didn't .A life of crime was not for me.

The irony is now that my life is stable, my drug use being minimal and recreational, my methadone at a low dose which is slowly continuing to fall, I am poorer than I've ever been and I'm reliant on state benefits which are a pittance and an insult to anyone who's been working and paying taxes for most of their life. It's a daily struggle trying to legitimately survive these days.

I want to work, I've always wanted to work. Without work I don't have much of a life or the opportunity to build a life that is worth living. Sometimes I feel I had more of a life when I was on heroin.

A lot of people believe that an addict has to reach their lowest ebb in order to successfully turn their lives around. From my own experiences I think this line of thought is flawed. It was going through one of my lowest periods when I started using heroin daily in the first place. I haven't been actively using heroin for just over a year now, I've lapsed plenty but not relapsed. The lapses have been short and sweet, sometimes not so sweet, but they've never gone on for more than a day. I cannot envision myself  going back to using day in, day out ever again. I didn't need to be destitute in order to reach this point, I've been on the brink of destitution many times over the years and it usually resulted in heavier use. What it took was for my life to get better and for me to realise it. I needed to realise that I had more to live for than my daily fix and that my daily fix was stopping me from doing what I actually wanted to do. It was a slow process that involved changing the way I thought. It couldn't be forced, it couldn't be brought on by guilt and it couldn't be brought on by being  in a state of destitution, in fact those three things would only have encouraged more use and becoming more trapped in addiction if that is even possible.

My journey through addiction has been a long one but the worst of it now seems to be over.  The biggest problem affecting my life now is unemployment and trying to find a job that pays a living wage. This is a problem I never had when I was an active junky, I feel like I have swapped one shitty life for another.          

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Wow. What a difference a bit of sun makes,the cats are out basking on the balcony and people are walking around with a smile on their face me included. Financially this has been the worst winter I can remember. I've been laden with negativity, but now as the sun is smiling on me I feel like I'm beginning to wake up from the slumber that was winter.
What is Freedom ?
What is Truth ?
What is Justice ?
Man made concepts is what they are - social constructs. Completely relative to where, when and who you are !
The only absolute is that there are no absolutes, the only constant is change.
Adapt and survive.
  What is soul ?

Monday, 4 March 2013

The Battle Continues

I'm don't exactly know what I'm going to do yet but I'm sure that will come in time. What matters at the moment is that I at least try to turn my life around. I've been letting myself deteriorate for the last year now, all my talk of change has slipped by the wayside, the intent has been there but the commitment not. I've grown extremely tired of the life I've been living, though I think living is the wrong word, I've been existing, getting by, scraping through one bad situation merely to face or produce another.
Alcohol has been slowly seeping its way back into my daily routine because of the lack of decent heroin, but I'm no alcoholic not yet ! I've grown lazy and weak, my health is starting to suffer and my mind is constantly questioning itself. The faith I had in myself has been battered down so far I find myself questioning whether its worth trying to climb out of the hole I've been digging for the last twenty years. At the moment I have no job, no prospects, debt and very little hope.

BUT ! Maybe a little hope can go a long way.

There seems to be something inside me that doesn't want to entirely let go, I've reduced my methadone, I've bought an e cigarette, I've acquired a new bicycle, I bake my own bread and even enrolled on a computer course. Small things, but it's a start.

The coming year is going to be just as difficult if not more so than the last. The world is changing before our eyes. Many mistakes have been made and there is going to be a lot of suffering. I don't think any particular group of people are to blame, because pretty much the whole of the western world jumped aboard for the ride into the good times, though some were definitely more ruthless than others. Maybe this was just the way it had to be in order for people to wake up and take responsibility.


I know I've been here a million times before. But going round in circles is better than not going anywhere at all. So today I will try again because one day I might actually CHANGE !