I knew it had been a while, well eleven days to be exact, not that long but I suppose. I should have seen the signs, there's always signs. The days have been getting longer and lonelier, I read a book last night from cover to cover, reading soothes, it takes me to another place where all I have to do is turn the page.
Time is running out !
Heroin is not what it used to be ! Since the drought at the end of 2010 the quality has never returned,
So why do I carry on ? ? ?
I wonder what tomorrow will bring ?
It's time to find some balance otherwise this is going to be a very long and hard winter. Carry on like I am and it wont be long before the wolves come baying at my door. This year has seen me go from one extreme to another. I've gone from binging to near abstinence and back to binging again. The situation really hit home yesterday after being let down by a dealer, I almost exploded on the spot. Thankfully I cooled off after 15mins of quietly raging, but then I have got a weeks worth of methadone on the shelf and I had a few shots of vodka left out of half a bottle I'd drunk during the day. But of course this sent my mind into overdrive about why I'm continuing this cycle of destruction. I wasn't even drunk, I know I drink a excessively sometimes but I go days without and don't suffer any withdrawal and I can walk out of a pub after one or two drinks, tolerance I suppose.
The biggest storm in decades is about to hit North Devon, the winds are already starting to pick up so I suppose I better get myself into town to gather supplies, another weeks worth of methadone, and then back home to batten down the hatches. I love going down to the beach when the storms hit, the sea has a certain beauty when the elements are raging, I can stand on the shore for hours watching the sea crashing against the cliffs. I was supposed to be taking down and rebuilding a wall next week, I'm not sure that's going to happen if this storm kicks off. Maybe this cloud will have a silver lining and I can tap into some inspiration to work on some of the projects I've been planning for longer than I care to remember. I finished the decorating in the spare room but there's a whole host of jobs that need attending to, some of which I'll be doing with my Father, it'll be nice to spend some time with him.
THE KING BLUES. What if punk never happened ? One of the most powerful songs I've heard in a long time
Another day spent stewing in my flat thinking about all the things I could or should be doing. In one respect it was a day well spent, a day without heroin. There's been too much heroin taking going on recently. The night before last I woke up shivering on the bathroom floor. Self destruct mode has been getting the upper hand recently but as luck would have it I'm still here to smile about it. I wasn't smiling at the time I just felt physically & emotionally sick at having found myself yet again in the cycle of drinking, popping pills & shooting gear.
Thinking the unthinkable:
" Maybe I'd be doing myself and everyone around me a favour if I hadn't woken up".
>No ! Because that would be far too easy, besides I've only got the skirting boards left to do and my spare room, shortly to become an office/dining & spare room will be finished. My past record at seeing things through to the end isn't exactly famous and I'm thinking it could very well give me some kind of psychological boost getting this job done and dusted.
When I first got to this town and became acquainted with the local junkies they used to call this day " Suicide Sunday". Well I like Sundays and I think I'd like to see the next one.
It's been while since I've posted & and in that time a lot's been going on. It's been a fantastic Summer that seems to have flown by in a flash. There's been plenty of drama, plenty of lessons learnt (& re-learnt), as well as a few more trips around the same old block. There's been threats of violence, I've been robbed, I've earned loads of money, I wasted loads of money. Worked Seven days a week, 12-14hrs a day for four months. It's been a complete roller coaster of a ride that's been an educational experience from start to finish, I wont be forgetting it for a while. I've witnessed people lie, cheat & steal, storm off never to return and come back to start all over again.. There's been heart ache and heart break, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.
Looking back I loved every minute of it, even if sometimes all I wanted to do was run far far away. I'd do it all over again in a heart beat if they'll have me back. I regret the way it ended but that's a story all of its own. The most important thing for me this Summer was proving I could do it. I took on a job that they couldn't find anybody else willing to do. They took me on because they were desperate. I had no real experience of working out sailing time tables, my phone manner was atrocious, I knew nothing about or even like fishing ( I used to read the Angling Times for home work). I have a reputation around town for being a lunched out- druggie (it's no big secret) yet I'd be trusted to handle anything between 5-10 grand in cash on a busy day, take my percentage and divide it up amongst the skippers.
The Bristol channel is one of the most dangerous shipping lanes in the world, it has the second highest tide on the globe. The tide can rise from under a metre to over 10metres around Ilfracombe. The skippers have got to know what they're doing because the one thing the sea doesn't do is take prisoners. Ilfracombe is nearly an all tidal harbour, but four-five days a month around the big Spring tides there is a 3hr period around the low tides when the boats can't load or land passengers safely. On days like this I could have up to 60 people divided between five boats which would be doing different kinds of fishing all set to sail at the same time, the potential for chaos could be quite overwhelming , thank goodness these tides only come once a month. Now as difficult as the public can be at times the people with whom I had the most stress were the skippers, there were times I felt like a school teacher dealing with a group of children with over-inflated egos.
The season is now behind us, the holiday makers have gone home and I am back to painting and decorating. This Summer saw me consume less amounts of class A drugs than any previous summers I can remember, but I think replacing drugs with 98hrs per week of work isn't necessarily a healthy way to confront a problem. As much as I tried to put some kind of plan into place for when the season came to an end I fell straight into a heavy binge. I don't think drugs are the actual problem, they are a part of it and they aggravate it, drugs are also how I deal with unwanted feelings and emotions.
I've said this before and I obviously need to say it again, " The things in life that I'm least inclined to do are more than likely the things which I need to do most of all.."