Saturday, 29 March 2014

Three little words

He said three words that made me sit up and listen, my new key worker, I didn't take him seriously for the first couple of meetings,    "lonely,desperate and isolated".

"Let me ask you a question Karl ? Do you still enjoy taking gear "

" Yes, NO, I don't know " What the fuck " I do and I don't " The fact that I couldn't answer the question was enough of an answer for him.

"Karl I get it" He says with his eyes closed, and I was convinced that he had, he's one of the rare ones that've actually been through it..

It's been four months now that my habit has been steadily gaining ground and with each day I get a little more desperate to put it behind me before the Summer season starts when I'm back down on the harbour. Last year it just kind of happened, as I became more and more busy my desire to use became less and less, which kind of links into what the key worker was saying.

"It's all to do with passion Karl ! Passion is what gives you fulfilment in life and everyone needs to be fulfilled in order to be happy. It doesn't matter so much what you have a passion for, it can be a hobby, relationship, a car, vocation. Unfortunately your passion is heroin and it's like a dirty little secret that you guard and hang on to. In order to break the cycle there needs to be a substantial change in your life, on the surface you seem fine, but underneath we both know you are far from fine, you are emotionally, physically and psychologically dependant upon heroin which you use with a passion in order to deal with the feelings of being lonely, desperate and isolated".

Wow, it was only ten o'clock in the morning and what he'd said had just fried my mind, I'd just spent the two previous hours up a ladder painting and that was where I had to return but I knew right then the day had a new spin on it. That day turned out to be a clean day and so did the next day, the next day I was walking around town with money in my pocket and phone in hand ringing the familiar numbers, I hadn't really thought about what I was doing, I was running on instinct but something clicked in my head, I suddenly realised what I was doing and managed to talk myself into my favourite pub where I would see friendly faces and know I would be safe until a taxi arrived to whisk me home.
Yesterday I wasn't so lucky, my brother phoned me asking if anyone was on in town, it was 2:30pm. I immediately went straight into gear mode and before I could do anything about it I'd agreed to him driving out of town and procuring me two bags of the best shit in North Devon

I suppose in a way I'm relying on working down the harbour again to realign my passion for life, I've gone over in my head all the mistakes I made last year that brought me back into this seemingly endless cycle of rot and I pray I can do things differently this year.

Only because this is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard, Enter One  Sol Seppy.