Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Just the kind of luck I could probably do without.

    I started clearing out my tool cupboard this evening. I picked up my Wellington boots because I was going to chuck them out on the balcony to make some extra storage space. I could just make out a small scrunched up sandwich bag and I thought to myself, no, no it can't be, how in the hell could it be, it must be a bag that I actually had sandwiches in. But no ! Inside the bag was a reddish brown powder and no mean amount either.  So out came the roll of foil, I burnt off a piece, tore it into two, flattened one piece and rolled the other into a tube. I was pretty sure it was but it wouldn't be the first time I'd gotten excited over something of nothing. As soon as I put a flame underneath it the sickly sweet smell rose up from the powder that had now transformed into a golden brown beetle.

I stuck it on the scales and it came in at just over two grammes. It had been hiding there since the end of last Summer, just over a year.I have absolutely no recollection of stashing it there but I'm fairly sure of it's source and that up until this evening I'd thought that one definitely or two possibly persons had nicked it. I'm glad I didn't go ahead and make accusations. This was the longest stretch without gear I've done in I can't remember how long. But in the end I think that most things in life happen for a reason.

To be continued.

Monday, 24 November 2014

It's that time again.

I'm still here battling against my addiction. After smoking my way through the Summer and eventually going back to the needle things seem to have settled down a bit. The last blast I had was a couple of weekends ago, a typical binge that lasted for three days, only really ending because I ran out of money.
Life is kind of plodding along at the moment, work is steady and as long as I don't go on endless benders and get a handle on my drinking life will continue to plod on. However, I know deep down that life is never going to progress into anything remotely satisfying or fulfilling until I take that final step out of addiction. My methadone use is now back to my prescribed level of 40mls which in the scheme of things is relatively low.

When I first started blogging about my addiction there were quite a few us here writing about our struggles with heroin/methadone but now posts seem to be few and far between. More and more often I find myself reading blogs by parents of addicts which has given me an insight into what I put my parents through. Similar stories from around the world from parents who's lives have been turned upside down, learning the hard way lessons that can only be taught through experience.

After twenty years of addiction I have gone through many different stages of use, I'm what some people refer to as a functioning addict, but sometimes I feel as though I'm just perpetuating my own misery because I've gotten to the stage where I'm sick and tired of the stagnation I'm drowning in. My usual way of dealing with these feelings is to use and blot them out but the drugs don't work any more. So I think it's time I have another go at cleaning up my act.