Saturday, 26 December 2015

Once again I've survived another year, and somehow despite the drugs and the booze I'm in a far better place than I was this time last year in fact I'm probably better off at the moment than I have been in years. A couple of months ago I stopped drinking for what I thought was going to be a couple of days , maybe a week just so I could find out how far down the road of alcoholism I'd travelled. Drink was never really an issue for me I've always been able to take it or leave it, but over the last five or six years I got into the habit of having a drink in the morning before work. It started off as finishing a left over glass of wine or beer, the last inch or two of the vodka bottle came next and before I knew it I was making sure I had alcohol for the morning and when I didn't I'd run down to the shop where if I was discreet and waited until I was the only one there they'd serve me before hours. I was convinced that I needed that drink, one can of high strength lager became two cans, sometimes it was a quarter bottle of vodka or a bottle of wine, Quite often I didn't have another drink until the next morning, I never felt the need to drink in the evening like I did in the morning but then I had heroin to take in the evenings or methadone depending on how flush I was . I'm not sure how long it takes to become physically dependant on alcohol or whether the opiates negate the withdrawal, I'm sure they do to an extent, but when I stopped I hardly noticed. I never in a million years thought I'd make it through the weekend let alone a whole month. What became clear to me was my behaviour as an addict crossed over into my drinking as it does in many areas of my life, work, reading, watching TV, there's very few aspects of my life that are not effected by addictive behaviour. I've had a couple of drinks over Christmas and I'm sure at some point in the future I'll get drunk, Becoming tea total was never an option.I'd become a prisoner of my very own false beliefs.
 I feel infinitely better both physically and mentally for not drinking, but the money I save means that maintaining my heroin habit is well within my means as long as I don't go too overboard. For this I am a lot happier within myself which is no bad thing. After twenty years of active addiction I think it's a miracle I've got to where I am today, but I'mstill left wondering if this is it for me ?

Monday, 12 October 2015

The Same Old Shit

Summer has flown by again, all the usual promises to myself broken as usual, but life goes on, still making the rent, keeping my head down and functioning as a fully fledged productive member of society. I'm not really sure how I've managed it, there's been a lot of ups & downs fuelled continuously with drugs and drink but somehow I've landed on my feet with another chance to bounce back and give life without heroin another go. If I don't want to be still picking up my methadone script when I'm fifty now is the time to start doing something about it because 50 is 3yrs away on new years eve. Twenty years of addiction isn't something you can just walk away from especially when I feel like the most meaningful thing I do each day is the escape I find coming through the eye of a needle.
Today is heroin free and tomorrow is another day. X

Thursday, 19 March 2015

Summer is just around the corner

Well I'm not going to be disappointed to see this Winter over and done with. Since Christmas I've had about a weeks work,beans on toast and tins of soup have been my main diet for what seems like months and months. As usual a long period of no work has been followed by more work than I've got time for.At the beginning of March I took on a four week job that we have to do in three, hopefully it will be finished next week and that long awaited payday will finally be here. To be fair being skint has meant there has been no money for drugs and what little money I have had I haven't been able to justify spending on drugs, not that spending money on drugs is really justifiable in the first place. I'm still stable on 40mls of methadone and have been for some time now so it really is time to think about making a reduction some time soon, problem is the thought of reducing scares me somewhat ! I've got down to practically nothing so many times, a few times down to nothing at all, but regular as clockwork that's when things tend to go pear shaped and I have to go cap in hand to the clinic, admit defeat and start over. Truth is I mess up regularly but I have the meth as a safety net which stops my life turning into chaos from having to score everyday. It would be so easy to stay on the methadone indefinitely, it makes my life so much more manageable but that's not an option because I'm getting too old for this game. I turned 46 last birthday, I know I say it every year but something has got to give before long, I need to give up while it's still an option and I can still do it on my own terms.

At the end of the month I'll be back down the harbour doing the job I enjoy for the Easter break, I'm looking forward to it. What is this Summer going to bring I wonder ?

RIP Daevid Allen