Saturday, 26 December 2015

Once again I've survived another year, and somehow despite the drugs and the booze I'm in a far better place than I was this time last year in fact I'm probably better off at the moment than I have been in years. A couple of months ago I stopped drinking for what I thought was going to be a couple of days , maybe a week just so I could find out how far down the road of alcoholism I'd travelled. Drink was never really an issue for me I've always been able to take it or leave it, but over the last five or six years I got into the habit of having a drink in the morning before work. It started off as finishing a left over glass of wine or beer, the last inch or two of the vodka bottle came next and before I knew it I was making sure I had alcohol for the morning and when I didn't I'd run down to the shop where if I was discreet and waited until I was the only one there they'd serve me before hours. I was convinced that I needed that drink, one can of high strength lager became two cans, sometimes it was a quarter bottle of vodka or a bottle of wine, Quite often I didn't have another drink until the next morning, I never felt the need to drink in the evening like I did in the morning but then I had heroin to take in the evenings or methadone depending on how flush I was . I'm not sure how long it takes to become physically dependant on alcohol or whether the opiates negate the withdrawal, I'm sure they do to an extent, but when I stopped I hardly noticed. I never in a million years thought I'd make it through the weekend let alone a whole month. What became clear to me was my behaviour as an addict crossed over into my drinking as it does in many areas of my life, work, reading, watching TV, there's very few aspects of my life that are not effected by addictive behaviour. I've had a couple of drinks over Christmas and I'm sure at some point in the future I'll get drunk, Becoming tea total was never an option.I'd become a prisoner of my very own false beliefs.
 I feel infinitely better both physically and mentally for not drinking, but the money I save means that maintaining my heroin habit is well within my means as long as I don't go too overboard. For this I am a lot happier within myself which is no bad thing. After twenty years of active addiction I think it's a miracle I've got to where I am today, but I'mstill left wondering if this is it for me ?