Tuesday, 25 April 2017

Time to let go.

Today was a write off, but then I was coming down from a roller coaster of a weekend. Not all motivation faded away, I had two calls from dealers which under normal circumstances would have been most welcome. feeling the way I do today I'm surprised I've got this, far & documenting the fact surprises me yet further.

Monday, 24 April 2017

You cannot be happy, Happiness is being.

It came straight out of the blue about three weeks ago, my brother phoned me to ask if I knew The King Blues were playing at a venue near to where he lives. I'd been introduced to this band a few years back by a friend of my Dads. I really got into their stuff but the only problem was they'd split & that was that, the chances of getting to see them live was zero to nothing. There was no way I was going to let this opportunity slip I hadn't had a good night out for ages. The tickets were bought, all I needed to do was get myself to Jake's flat on the night and take it from there.

 Life's been like traversing a precipice for a very long time,. Any sort of control I maintain over my habit is dicey at the best of times. It's relentless crumbling has resulted in chaotic and erratic behaviour or more plainly speaking general sloppiness. too many mistakes were made, jobs were lost, decisions not properly thought out, again what can only be descibed as general sloppiness, I don't ever want a repeat of this last winter,, I've had bad wintes before and come through the other side, but this one should never have happened, the junky inside me had escaped too many times and I'd spiralled out of control enough times to get noticed by the wrong people.

Work has picked up of late, I had a few quid in my pocket, I was going to see a band I who're shit hot, I was looking forward to this gig, I might even go as far as to say excited but it's been so long since I've been excited about anything other than a cocktail of drugs . Me and Jake have a lot of similarities, Jake's been a junky almost as long as I have, we haven't seen that much of each other over the last few years , he didn't know this band, he just knew that I was into them because I've got one of their CD covers pinned to my fridge.

I'm still in recovery mode on Monday night, the gig was on Saturday, it's been a long weekend even if some parts did seemed to pass far too quickly, of course I spent much more money than I should have, along with consuming plenty of drugs which at my age I should really know better. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE something happened, something insanely beautiful, something sneaked up behind me, grabbed me and once I' realised what it was I never wanted it to go.

The band were superb everything I was expecting and more, there was a good crowd, everybody seemed friendly, the bar was normal prices, it was great to be out with my brother and not have life's daily heap of shit hanging over our heads, we were both laughing & smiling, I don't think we've been this close for years, I've missed my brother but when you're both junkies things can easily get a bit emotionally wrought. The band were tight, it was impossible not to dance and I love to dance, I don't know how long it's been since I've had a good dance. It wasn't long before I lost myself to the music and let the beat take over.

This was very definitely tuning into one of the best nights I'd had in a long time, I was having fun, and that's when it dawned on me, I was happy ! there may have been plenty of Adrenalin and endorphins flowing though my veins but this was the real thing, It came from within, and the more I felt it the stronger it became. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be happy, I was feeling alive for the fist time in a long time so I kept dancing smiling and as usual with these kind of events before you know it it's all over.

The night didn't end there, in fact I never got to bed until early Monday morning, the walk back to town centre where my brother lives wasn't exactly uneventful. It also involved feelings that I have had buried for longer than I care to remember but that's another story.